different emotions.
all true.

pleased, appreciative, thrilled

soothed, grateful, excited, joyful

growing, proud, distanced, mature

worried, trusting, hopeful

I understand.

Teresa picks me up on the docks.
I remember something you say from ages ago
"You need to talk to a female."
It is true, the men easily go from confidant to one of us being something more-

We sit in my living room and I talk about how cheery I used to be.
How I held hope for everyone.

She says, "you are used to pleasing everyone."
She says something akin to "you're self-worth is wrapped up in how other people think of you."

where did this blog go?

i guess after cregg i thought

i cannot hold onto things

& wanting you is not having you
needing you makes you not here


more of the blessings then

more on those

there is a lot you know
to be
a healthy person

i keep thinking i am there
and then
there is more

food.
what a huge other area to concentrate on.
food that drains your energy.
for your sake and for mine and my student who says she is always too tired to study.
foods that fuel: kale and fermented things and edamame and almonds.

how can i do this?
how can i keep us both alive?