day 124

Wake
Remember
Keep breathing
Get. Up.

Coffee mother muffin sunday morning
Coffee morning drawl

Aline
Panic
So much time
So much distance

Work.
Work.

Hour later realise I exist.

On off day pass on off keep step step cold sun

Red hearts everywhere
Made me ice the first five times
Now can block it--do not let it seep in, set your jaw and keep moving

Dinner parents chatter football rearrange suitcases

And I think
About how long it has been since I've seen you.
How a day, two used to seem forever.
How long it might be till I see you again
(If I do?)
And I feel the panic and the scream in my skull beginning from a distance and start reading the Essential Indexical because that will take me closer to you, right?
That is the only way I can make the distance lessen.

day one hundred and twenty-three : shells, please replicate

i am strong, i remember now
i am tough, smiley, sweet
a few outer shells anyway
that will eventually replicate
and make up all of me

in cozy pants
and the gray sweater i donned after you threw it off your body before you wrapped it around me

i am calmly
letting you in

i jot down
the few remaining phrases i want to add in
to book number two
that i will send off monday

i wonder if someday
i will write a letter
if we will talk again
how it will happen

but i do not get stressed
i am trying to not "suffer twice"
tonight i hope
i dream of you

day one hundred and twenty-two : tête-à-tête

all these things about unstable chaotic relationships
are simply not true
or weren't until grad school

before that
i had many good stable friends
i never fell out with a friend
we would just drift with course changes or different interests or whatever

but with my friends from grade school, i am on good terms
with my theatre and  B friends I am so good and keep in touch as much as possible

and with my best best friends
emer then kathleen then leah
they have stayed
they have been constant.
there has never even been a fight even though we were around each other so much and intimately

simply not true
it's not a pattern.

it was me with Donal, and then only the second half of our relationship
and you and i
at times

that is not illustrative of my person

this relationship pattern
does not relate to me
i realise
as i lie with kathleen on her bed
soft comforter soothing our heads
as we confide and smile
reveal secrets and listen

one hundred and twenty-one : shared pasts

seeing britney irvin and kathleen
it being so nice and fun

i think of how much that was missing in galway
thought of you outside the lighthouse
with a friend you said you had known... fifteen years?

i wish my friends with shared pasts
could be met more often

i'm glad i remember
the are alive

day one hundred and twenty : tags controlling me?

my god

there were so many things that were wrong

i saw it

but i didn’t stop it.

day one hundred and nineteen : spaghetti bridge

I dreamt of you last night
your presence lightly hung to me
Chiffon
Throughout the day
Stifling and caressing

Each step
Spaghetti bridge

day one hundred and eighteen : the ideal

future

is the thing

books & people

want 

me to focus on

growing up

every night

when i went to bed

that's what i thought of

the problem was

the story my mother always told

ended after university

with me

getting married

we

never planned

anything else

so goal setting -goal creation-

must come first

surely

they ask me

what do you want?

they ask me

what are your dreams?

part of me

wants to rattle off lists

i've kept in pockets

part of me 

wants to yell

there. is. nuh. thing. left. of. me! stop asking!

part of me

can't believe anyone thinks

i can even begin to think of any future

at all

day one hundred and seventeen : i am blessed

i love you so much
and everything will be okay

day one hundred and sixteen : three

i thought there might be something

in the calm

that started

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1876467/

day one hundred and fifteen : prickers

last week
after i was food poisoned
i got optimistic
i felt stronger
and i meditated (productively)
thought (productively)
and wrote (profusely and somewhat productively)

but
the past two days
other things have been
creeping into my mind
i can sense it minutely as it occurs
and increasingly as it piles

and today, the third day
it was almost completely hidden
i read, read, read
but if something would remind me of why
i was reading, stomach churns
and turn the page

tomorrow i will work on
why
my stomach churns
when
and what to do to stop it

so that i don't have
to feel so many
prickers
cut into me

5. What challenges are you looking for in this position?

I imagine my answer.
I hear your voice.

You are in me. You are in me so much.

day one hundred and thirteen : ...right?

you are working on yourself too, right?
you are letting all the emotions breathe
and not pushing them down to spring up later, right?
you're not ignoring all of it, right?

what i am really asking is: 
you haven't forgotten me, right?

day one hundred and twelve : big choice number two

i wrote to you a lot today
it's nice
a reflection at the end of the day
makes me feel
like you
were a part of it

tomorrow i make
BIG CHOICE NUMBER TWO
the entitled me
rolls my eyes:i'm not in the mood for this
the worried me
clutches my tummy
the rest of me
stagnates

but not tomorrow
i choose

dear lord
this is a lot of drama
for twenty days into the new year

day one hundred and eleven : fighting

there are

books

pads of paper

post-its

pens and pencils galore

watercolors

spread across my dining room table

a runner of butcher paper in the center

with my Plan of Attack

plans, goals and tasks

in Japan,

we say "fighting!" to mean trying hard, working for something

that is what I feel like now.

the word

is usually accompanied by a fist pump.

...

i am not doing the fist pump.

yet.

my mood is not quite that cheery.

yet.

but i am fighting.

there is a lot to do,

and i am using it all

to help align my body

and mind.

day one hundred and ten : it seemed like it was trying to hold me

when i woke up today
yourmy blanket
was wrapped around my back
equally covering both shoulders
snug

when i went to sleep
i had folded it,
placed it under my upper body

through the night
it must have crawled
about me
wrapped around

as my eyelids slowly opened
to rose light
part of me believed
it was you

day one hundred and nine : her thesis

i read read read 
come across 

The Consumer/Survivor Movement 

sigh 
regulate 
i learned about this 
from you

one hundred and eight : a foot in front, then again

there is a mix of freedom to do all and nothing
all wins
but in the strangest order and mixture of
positive procrastination

it is all
moving

let us aim for
moving

(plan of attack > action plan), and they have similar meanings
so one might as well

may the world sympathize
and let me try
a foot in front of the other
then again, and again
with a sauté for beauty
now and again

i came across harry stack sullivan yesterday
I wonder what you('d) think of him.

one hundred and seven: sicksmick

today
i am food poison
pounding head
liquid skull

but not sad
still know
everything is slowly
getting better

i am okay
i will be okay
and i hope
you are okay

day one hundred six : hope!

i am making lists!
lists!

i know, i know
i make way too many lists
BUT
that was before my period
of intense-melancholy
of bland-feeling
of momentarily break the bland feeling with GUILT and WORLD OVER and FAILURE
of missing every single hair on your body
all over. your body.

um...
back to what i was saying!
kashi!

yes. lists=future=>hope
so i have returneth!

and i love you!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayayayayay!

day one hundred-five:

it is difficult now
to trust
anything

there is a joyous feeling in me
because i am making plans
solid plans
because i am making progress
definable, diagram-able, solid progress
because i am in
sun
a tank top, running pants, grapefruit and sun

it is always the minutiae, isn't it? that plummets one down or catapults one high
working
on that

i. am. healing.

i am seeing so much stuff! noticing so many habits! especially a thought process i do a lot. i'll name it "the three-point thought in reverse". (maybe a shorter title in time)

that first book/journal
found a lot
second book's notes
finding more.

making that timeline
makes it all real, solid.
makes everything in my life MAKE SENSE.
makes my sadness/anger s-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n-a-l.

it is not stuck in me.
it is a part of me and has been for a while
but it's ok
the gooey venomous glop
is going to go cough itself
right out of me

i am feeling optimistic today
in the first time in
.
..
...
wow, a long time.

so i better write, write so there is proof the other 59/60th's of the time
that indeed there was a change



i sent this site to you when i first started,
in june
when i first visited my family
if you ever traipse your way back to it somehow
the last month's worth of poems are gonna be quite sad

one or two in between have hope
or speak of a special moment or memory
but it's been pretty gloomy lately.

but before that... they are sunnier.
the ones written right after i've been with you
are glistening

the ones that talk about my commitment and determination
they're encouraging.
being so sure of something
still working hard for it a few months later

i know that is an incredibly short time for some people
for me
i'm proud

day one hundred and three : please speak with me again

i am writing and no one will ever
damn it why are you not here cause you actually got me

and this is not a fucking fault in my thinking
or a defense mechanism or split/mirror whatever
or some sign of a weakness in ME

its that i cannot talk to a single soul
because they speak nonsense back
they look at me so confused
they ask all these questions that dont make sense,
that dont follow what i am saying

and i walk to the kitchen and muffle these heaps of tears
because you. are. not. here.
as lover nor friend.
nor confidant, what would be so pleasant right now.

you understood the words i said.

there is no one else.

no friend, counselor, nor lover.
i could explain and you could continue my thought
you would hear and bounce something back
it went somewhere.

here
i am so alone.
i want to talk. i want to mend and heal and connect.
i am trudging by myself.
trying all myself.
maybe
i should have stayed in ireland.




i appreciated, then.
i yearn so. much. for. it. now.

please, again. please let it be again.

day one hundred and two : object constancy

it has been 102 days
since i held your hands in mine
in your room

that's a comfort
it feel so much longer
a different place

object constancy
i definitely have to work on.


when i went to japan
i remember telling people back home
that i felt
they did not exist

i couldn't remember events
little or small
my brain only contained a hazy visual
like that of a childhood's illustrated storybook.


realizing this
is all very scary
because it means
i could get along just fine

day one hundred and one : no(t yet)

the last three days
since deciding
i thought i would feel a little better
things would get a little easier
the heartache a little smaller

not yet.

i got a phone call.
from an employer
talking about how
an old trainer
praised
me

after that

i was able to write a bit
in my feeling/past/habit dissection journal
and then able to watch a bit
of a game with my father
and sit
reasonably close
to my mother
before she went to bed
after which i was able to write
a bit more

day one hundred : inside

i feel so tender
my mother next to me made me clench
my father's hands brushing mine as he grabbed a cable from me, tensed shoulders and neck

my stomach is so incredibly tight nothing but liquid will go down it
so i blended banana with soymilk
because i know i have to eat something
if i'm gonna get better i have to stop being so dramatic with food and g e t  o v e r  i t.

i am translating spanish into english and
editing a german clamping equipment catalogue for my father
i think he is trying to keep me from thinking about my sadness
as well as garnering more free time

try to keep the smooth and unclench
tasks for now
i felt a tap on my shoulder
was it you?

Scared

Sad

Hurt

My brain is dead.

I did two mindfulness tasks today.

You still exist.

day ninety-nine: either way

today i spoke to friends
old friends from college
one from high-school
it's nice to know they are there
even though i have forgotten about them
for well over a year

i talked my mind right out of my head
juggled it in my palms
drew it out across the living room floor
flipped it over my elbows
to find the answer

all that whispered back was
either way, please just breathe
your body and mind are you
wherever you take them to

day ninety-eight : quiet

i wrote
a lot
to you
today

i hope
not
too
much

i
will not
push

a week
of
debate

i hope
it was
okay

day ninety - seven : strong-explosive

i guess i should get to bed
but i will wake up in two hours
to wake my little brother
watch as he packs his final items
and then hug him goodbye
when the taxi comes to drive him to the airport

still
two hours sleep is something
especially recently

tomorrow
will be a test for me
see if i can follow this new schedule
not enforced from any other source
but me
a schedule to help heal me
to hold me
to grow me stronger

if i fail tomorrow
mayhaps i should change my flight to leave from mcallen
if i succeed
mayhaps i will email you
and ask for your pardon

thomas
i really miss talking to you
i think
if i wrote you a message about something pertinent, relevant, funny, interesting
you might respond, and we might be able to have a light conversation about it

but there is so much power in my eyes, my fingers, my mind
and there is so much energy and emotion and stretching
that it buckles into itself
to be strong-explosive or quiet

i don't wish
lukewarm love

day ninety-six : could i wait?

is it okay to
calm down/rest/relax
for a time?

i am trying to listen to the words i use and think about where they come from
what exactly do i mean when i rehash the words others use to talk about
downtime

wait
wasn't i so upset before
because i hadn't gone to japan sooner
in september or october?
then why would i delay now?

because
i feel so tired
i kinda dread going across the pacific
i am not excited
i see all the stuff i brought back from ireland
all the papers
all the pieces of you

and can't bear the thought of just piling it back into the suitcase
lugging it to japan
and continue it sitting
there
staring at me

i want to read through things
throw some away
keep some
write and think about others
compile notebooks

sleep

how long is two months?
oh. you are right. it could be long.

if i don't use it.
if i get lonely and sad
which has happened
doesn't mean it will happen again
but it has happened

will i regret it if i don't leave to japan in a few days?
maybe
will i regret it if i don't stay in the valley and DO go?
probably not

i won't have known otherwise.

...

could you forgive me?
if i waited?
i don't want to pack all my notes and journals up again
i want to reread them and dissect them
i want to pause

i know life keeps going
but my mind spin spin spins
and i want to work through things
think about it all
figure out WHY i did things
what it means
how i can change things
or keep some habits, or redeeming parts

...

you said if you are scared then do something
i was scared
of staying
as soon as i said i was going to stay
so i packed my suitcase
full

and there was a lot
i was shoving back in
things from you
i hadn't glanced at
since i packed them in my bag
in galway

i don't want to shove it all in
could i have two months
to step through it all?

am i allotting too much time?
would this be best while also
working 3/4 time?

we may never know.

...

thomas
once
i told you
whenever i think about going to japan i start crying
and you said
in a sweet, surprised and caring voice
oh well then don't go
you shouldn't go to a place that makes you want to cry

and then there were more comforting words
something like
you can go somewhere else
or do something else

but i was in a paused state
unable to clearly listen more
because i was tuned in on the part where you said
oh, then don't go
like it was ok
that i changed my mind

day ninety-five : we will hold each other's backs

i wrote assorted words
here and there
as i travelled into the south

i will add them monday

for now
today's poesy


happy new year
dear
love

i wish to tell you in person
but not yet
and that is okay

right now
i know it is so important,
beginning

so i will not call
i am still rumbly
so you probably are too

i will not email
it is too fast
not thought through enough

i will write
slowly
over time
and send my thoughts to you
quietly

when the calm
has calmed and quieted down
i will hold you
closer than i have ever held a soul
and we
will smile

we will grab each other's backs
and pull our bodies
into place together

goodnight, thomas
i love you