246: i can't write a poesy about this

i stood opposite the bus

to take me to class

my breathing stopped

as it has

but it didn't come back

as it has

so i stood by the sumo statue

and wondered if i would pass away

next to him

i decided not to

got on the escalator

i knew the phrase in japanese

近くの病院ありますか？

but as i entered the office i could only stare at the woman

in a pretty silk scarf

she read my eyes

and then 6 people are running about

and i am taken to the hospital

245 : a picture of my 壁

all restrictions guidelines modes of conduct and decorum out you go
all attempts at segments and order are illusions of position director organizer

i'm gonna take a picture and send it
third instinctual thing!
-i might not even count it-
take that WORLD!!!

but then

244

realization 459022 i attempt to control everything affecting me
fine, a lot of the things.
even catastrophes that will occur
part of that is self-preservation
part is a belief it will lessen the blow. maybe it actually does.
but perhaps it is nevertheless wrong.
segmenting pieces of life up and arranging them to suit oneself.

and amidst this
and emails and journal entries
all quite
low/deep/hard/tear-inducing/growth-hoping/reflecting/determined determination

i notice my hips swaying side to side
in my desk chair
what the hell
what are you doing hips
why do they move so

ah-
the song i learned today
is playing a centidecibel away from soundlessly
within my core

and i instantly hate
that my body is practically dancing
as i type sadness and teary hope on keyboards
and i am extremely joyous
because maybe that movement will help me
when the catastrophe erupts

someday
i will understand
how i can hate and love
how i can want to stab and want to nurture
this determined, annoying, strong, and pathetic gunk inside of me
making my hips sway

2 4 3

surely i can break once every 6 months
if it doesn't last more than 6 days?
i've got about two hours left then.
not "normal"
but
that is incredible progress
for me

<jump>
i made a list of rules to live by
when i was in japan
i followed them all
i can be proud of that.

my safety net included leah, kathleen, kevin
second set iko, elaine,
third eduardo, judy, virginia

i only had to go to 1.5

i did message you
i did connect with you
but it was not uncontrollable
it was not panicked crying or gasping for air
or please stay please i'm bad
i can be proud of that
</jump>

when i woke up i saw my plants had grown.
even more.
they keep going

242

i don't know

reach

less than 24+48+12 hours ago

thank you
for your eyes

thank you
for your face

i can hardly believe

happiness

okay popova

...this fine but firm line between critical thinking and cynical complaint. To cross it is to exile ourselves from the land of active reason and enter a limbo of resigned inaction...

okay
so we don't not act
then

we...strive?
we sail?

can be happy
as good as am with degradation
am so too with being happy

i remember
i feel at times..
before

maybe i am not good at some things
but

today
todaytodaytoday

why

i cannot think

for the first time in my life

i believe i am bad at love

amidst past

i always thought

i was good at loving someone

everything i do seems quite pointless

futile, pathetic

...

i am still and quiet and motionless

reaching

...

i am - no words come

i am not anything

i think about going back next month

suddenly

very unaware of the reasons i came

i am better

yep

but

what is the point

day two hundred and thirty seven : cessation

today i woke up earlyearly got up early
train-ed 20 min walked 30

walked through the garden of children's book statues
i think you'd like them
can see you taking pictures of them

learned a new "eu conhece mestre bimba" song
think of you singing it

learned kicks, moves
played
want to practice outside class
wish could practice with you

walked three hours home
so i could think
statues, shrines, convenience stores, stares and smiles

tired after 2.5 but i see steps and climb
sit on the hill
stare at the world.
turn on my phone and take a panorama picture
i want to show you
dont know if i ever will

a notification of an email
from you
supposing that i may be waking up soon

my mind starts to leave all sun for so long midday

home i fall asleep on carpet
wake
red cheeks and red forehead
not bad
but like the sun is in me

water
rice
water
water

one hour, two hours, three hours
and i
damn it
i

cease

knives and buildings and rivers and jumping as i sit still in shock on the settee
the last three months
had been overall sunny
few showers

today breaking point
can you call it that if there is not leading up to?

i had not had chills
had not thought "i wont make it"
had not had a block
in my forehead
physical and visual
where the future is
in 5.5 months

today i break

i throw in all cards and towels
all my faith turns to tears
i curse myself my life my stupidity everything i have ever done wrong
curse my childhood and misogyny and wanting to be iko and my religion and every time i was left out of the know
mourn john su mourn miss p mourn pr and curse academia and wisdom and everything that makes me feel i am different or special or smart or expected from or worth something

and shout
i give up
i give up
i give up
silently

it comes from everywhere and nowhere and i cry and cry and hyperventilate and hands abouve head and paper bag and no one is helping me breathe this time and i am breathing

i sit on the settee.
i do not want to die. amidst all the visuals at least i've learned that about myself. you helped me see.
must reach. do not want to even hurt self.
email to best friends leah and kathleen (emer thinks i am happy.. cannot ruin that)
email to kevin w from college, theatre & honors program colleague. can connect to both parts of me.
email to (against some reservation) elaine.  but i remember her saying. ireland is only a call away; i'm up at all hours anyway!

i am not screaming my head off

but i cannot think of tuesday. of my job. of the next home i will have. i have to continue. i cannot see myself anywhere.

day two hundred and thirty-six : disjoint

the fault lies in thinking the wise say
all i have been taught is to think i worry

the stupid people don't think
what will separate me then?

the fault lies in words the wise say
they are just bad at words i reply

the stupid people can't mold them to their will
i am nothing without them

the fault lies in love the wise say
that is the only thing i am certain of i murmur

if i cannot love the good
if i cannot love you
if i cannot love me
there is no nirvana to seek

my older brother formed me
parents' pride
teachers bowed
he stabbed his arm with scissors
fuck being wise

day two hundred and thirty-five : and the Lord said, "from My point of view the Jedi are evil."

she sent me a short email
ending with
"...remember... you can have your life just the way you want it!"

what is it about that
which makes me feel i am doing
nothing at all?

reaching for a book in the alcove, periphery lost
its a sick day then

settee in the center
i try to think
wish away cloudy brain
somewhere in my veins, my body
i believe
the brain, i, am just in a state of disbelief

when thinking fails
i try not to hate me

attempt to meditate/pray
for you for me for us
and everything




but that gets hard
so i pray for us

day 234 : i taught my high school students about a "mental health day". they laughed.

damn that street
i run swoop kids off the sidewalk
before they jump off the curb
i am like superman.
when they leave i am offstage
taking off my watch
causes agony
wait an hour to stand straight
call into nagoya

on the train
today a lack of care of others
i rest head and chest on bag
not done here
feel a pocket
take out
knitted egg man
you bought for me
chocolate egg inside
i was so surprised
when you gave it to me
it was so perfect

i hold mister lavender-knitted-egg-man close
slip him into my shirt to fill the caving in my chest
he guards me
three trains home

day 233 :まだ cloudy head

i am mimicking a giraffe
seiko-sensei is in the toilet
i sway
students semi notice
they are three
they will forget

grateful seiko doesn't see
will self to stop

hour later
ten-year-olds
teach
How's the weather?
It's sunny, rainy, cloudy, snowy.
handing in papers
i am swirling deep down
counteract body's pull
shift self

grateful seiko is gone
grateful they are handing in origami papers to me
i stare down at
papers flying onto palms
command self to not exit body
these kids
are wild
there is a busy street outside
stairway to class
right to it

please keep handing papers

sensei! sennnnnusei! kashi-sensei kashi sensei! o-kashi-sensei!
i look up at tomoya
haruhi, ayumu, the rest

It's cloudy!
eeh?

but i am standing and it is over
they just think i am looking at their work
some of them hug me goodbye
they all smile

hours later
back in orio
my alcove
me
and still
very cloudy head

day two hundred and thirty two : maybe it's that friends don't hold me tightly

I don't like meeting new people
not the zeitgeist of now
crowds I
of late
end up in
against all avail.
limited capacity
the people I know
are usually better
anyway

but for some reason
sought two out

I guess I stopped trying for friends
when boyfriends started

when 15
(15...)
discussion with my first love
about how when dating someone
I forget all else
he is 15 too
he says it's important
not to do that
he did it once
regretted it
his friends stayed anyway

it's not that I have bad friends
moments of bliss with many
but
as much as people say otherwise
恋人 is better

well
usually

day two hundred and thirty-one : shimonoseki

in a classroom 
on another island
far away 
from the alcove
i
sometimes
call mine

curled into me
my stomach aches
i am surprised
w h y

i cradle your jacket
my jacket?
my pre-birthday jacket
under my head
along with 
the purple scarf
jimmy left behind

i was here
in february

oh. 

this is how i felt.

this is how curled up i was
three months 
ago

day two hundred and thirty : i saw so many beautiful things - it was terrible

this morning
i touched you
sleepily
chasseing by in dream

midday
i held you
sneakily
your curly-hair ponytail
in the background
as she taught me how to explain
how i don't know
how to explain
something

afternoon
i walked with you
jocundly
as i found so many 宝物
treasures
and breathed in and out
in prayer
to bless each
to share
somehow
with you

evening
i kissed you
reverently
as drops started
as i found spirits
though i've been looking for them
so i can't be completely sure
it was them

night
i cuddled with you
as curtains closed
pens came out
coffee made and work commences

as a caterpillar crossed my path
as the grandfather and grandson joined my walk
as i juggled in the abandoned and overgrown
as i stood above my neighborhood
as i crossed a bridge to the other world
i with you

day two hundred and twenty-nine : 正直

she says she always wears a mask
that she doesn't have to around me,
in my apartment

"I love it here!
shoujiki."

She looks at me smiling and says
"I need to surround myself with positive person."

she is talking about me
I am the positive person she wants around to improve her quality of life
I'm sorry can I say that again
I am the positive person she wants around to improve her quality of life

I present a nicety of a smile, touched but suddenly
solemn
excuse myself a few meters away to the "kitchen"
but there's a door

it is that it's beautiful, and kind
it's that it could possibly actually be true
that I am fun/nice/enjoyable to have around
that I am positive
that I might... make things better for a person

it is that it is piercingly cruel
that someone shook the globe too fiercely
that such words come
from such wrong lips

day two hundred and who knows this is all a lot of days

i look through
iyengar
to find something
scrolling down
i am transported
to my room
in renmore
i left it five months ago today

you are scrolling down
iyengar
describing the progression
"then... it's all binding here-"
i can hear your voice
i can hear
you
it is a shadow
as much as i try to
amplify the crisps and clisps of your mouth-

you are right there
here
you are right next to me
i am thankful for this book
for you explaining parts
for your voice of sweet amusement
but more
always more than the thing
thankful you are
right next to me

day two hundred twenty-seven : i thought i was

sometimes i spoke in a bind you called double
anytime someone says you're being manipulative it's fight or shatter
sometimes i saw
other times i thought i was expressing something, sans layers to speech

but we were looking at the same thing

i cried on lough atalia and said
"i'm trying"
you were half crying, half exasperated voice responding
"i've done this exact same
on the side of the road yelling
'i'm trying'"

i couldn't understand what that meant.
it wasn't real? i wasn't really trying?
maybe that for some reason it meant less then, my pain, this moment.
maybe it wasn't about me. maybe it was about you,
trying to make sense of it, of the words from another's mouth

but i hadn't lived through this
it hadn't happened for me.
i thought i was trying.
i felt like my life was breaking apart.

a few times
you were way ahead of me
hindsight, experience, brains and thoughts
and my self-cognizance was nowhere close

deep below
there were connections and correlations you saw
i did not.

i had never looked that far
my eyes were too covered in tears

day two hundred twenty-six : blood pressure

drops
too hot
mouth goes dry
that's when you know
something might happen.

out of the water
open bath door
open second door
try to take the air

i want to send a tube down my throat
to make sure it's open

there is pumping
my heart is bursting
neck, chest, arms
pulse ich ni ich ni
it's unmistakable

day two hundred and twenty-five : its not a fight within me anymore

if i was running alone

i would’ve stopped

the pain in the stomach

does it for me

he is a runner

national championship something or other

he is not stopping

anytime soon

it is an odd feeling because

i’ve never just,

kept,

running before.

i am a sprinter.

fast, everything, completely.

walk, arms above head breathing-

and again- fast, no periphery, locked, straight stare.

it can’t last long

leaps.

on 学園通り

for the second time

i am about to say

i have to stop

but he is pivoting

"we have five minutes.

wanna turn around and go back past the park?"

 "sure."

jogging uphill

is hard.

something about that

makes me want to keep going.

then flat land, rain, wind

a japanese woman with an umbrella

cars pulling away from a gym

sergio and i created our own

"last uphill!" he shouts.

it is a moment of everything,

i know every step means more than my shoes hitting the puddled sidewalk.

its not a fight within me anymore

because i know i'll make it.

day two hundred and twenty-four : nothing gold can

golden week closes

it was nice

to revitalize parts of me

i tuck away my tattoos of gold

my lavender lipstick

shorts and skirts

and shampoo away the festivity

now that its ash

it's easy to dye.

too easy.

trying to wash the color out

semi-permanent

just won't go

hottest hot

i stare in the mirror.

it might even look brighter.

hm.

so much not a "natural hair color"

i don't have to even combat a stressed feeling.

it doesn't come.

i just accept

that everything here moves

slow

day two hundred and twenty-three : i didn't think it was you at first

last night
i dreamed of you
on a path
leading up a hill
you were an old man
covered in capes and blankets
but i still recognized you
i could hardly believe you were there
as i walked closer
you turned your head to the left
shielding your face

i stood there. waited.
slowly peeked my head to the right on occasion
to maybe catch a glimpse of your

eyes
you had turned and you were looking at me

and though you had been walking with a cane
before you saw me
it wasn't there anymore

and we ran up the hill together

222 : an hour

far



miss

heart
time



it's not stupid

i learned in the psych ward
majority decides reality
i'm trying to hold on to my truth

so hard

day two hundred twenty-one

if people keep taking your words out of your mouth
your experiences out of your feet's soles

the way to fight that
it to grab for your words and experiences, right?
pull back your colonizer and punch hir in the jaw
scratch your experiences out of hir theiving stomach
bite your words out of hir fists

but i don't feel
like doing
any of that

i just
cry

day two hundred twenty : フリーな感じ

today

friends

he said

your hair color changed but you didn't

and it's funny

cause for him

that's a good thing

been so caught up
in change

i wasn't really listening
i step step in the sun
but i hear yoshi say
面白いね
natsuki says
天真
フリーな感じ

naïvely wistful/fascinated? a feeling of being free.
maybe something is working.

day two hundred nineteen : extrinsical experimentation

I wish I was there. Makes the day about what I would like. About me putting myself in your life.
I hope you have a good day. I am the subject of the sentence.
I am thinking of you. It is about me thinking.

All these phrases to give someone attention are intrinsically selfish.
Hm.


Happy Birthday.

I love you. Ahhh.

You are loved.

day two hundred eighteen : you said its like the weather

wake up to the japanese man
who sweeps my entry way
light tapping of drops

open curtains
gray is better than nothing
coffee and meditate
glance out the windows
there is a storm
calmly take clothes in
study, glance out
guess no outings today
last miso packets
drink
i'm glad they are there, glad prepared
study
puddles on my balcony, mat is wet

five hours later
it stops
cloudy

shoes
head out
stretch the sore body
get necessities
more miso for the next rainy day
in sunlight remember, prepare for storms

scarf in the wind
let it move me
as i wait at the light

smile
it is not raining now

and it was ok that it rained
i waited
did not get upset

when it was time
it felt amazing
to go outside

you said
it's like the weather

day two hundred seventeen : falling

when i was 8
at my crush's birthday party
i left my body

we were playing soccer
everything was sliding into accord
it was the happiest cristina had felt
i left
to watch myself from above.

i am 28
it is six guys and me
i am wearing an a line magenta skirt
but i can run

as he throws, i follow it's course.
the other two are running too far
they don't know it'll curl

Ian and I
know

r a c e
and
i soar through the air
my fingers touch the plastic
but i am swirling too much
i can't grip it
and my body losing air spins 440 degrees
i know i am falling
and do my best
to ease it with arms and an extra angle
to take off the edge
grass, dirt.

ian has the frisbee.
somehow.

it's ok.
that dive
is the most i've felt alive
since i ran back
to say goodbye to you
one last time

day two hundred sixteen : grabbing at waves

walking back
say something
in a drawl
laugh at myself
kashi!
realizing the giddy
please stay please stay please stay
i tell myself
out loud
please stay please stay please stay


when i told victor
two days later
about what i did
he was the contrast to everyone else
galway souls

he was traditional
he was "you are horrible"
he was "and now you're leaving the country with no determined date of return"
he was "that does not sound like he is the love of your life to me"

after an hour i closed the laptop
no salvation there.

but inside of me
i knew what he would say

cause we were raised the same way.