day one hundred and eighty-four : as i spin to ground, i see you

the sickness has taken over my head
five different medications to take
at three different times of day

keeping track
remembering through the fog
oh
it is futile
i still feel
nauseous/dizzy/unaware

makes things like
this
quite hard


hard to be poetic
hard to type the write right words

i went on a second hanami journey today
i saw you in the water
reflecting next to me

day 183 : diagnosis

i wanted

so badly

for him to say it was

heartbreak

day 182 : to move again

i want to continue my flips
it makes me happy
makes me feel closer to you
maybe because it makes me happy

but the bug around me
stops it all
oh to be better
i will do everything

day one hundred and eighty-one : there is no other way to reply

she pointed to my picture of you
"who's this?"

"my love"

day 180 : i am translucent

dear love

i am okay
i am stable
i am calm

but i am bland
faded
translucent

there is no living
the wires burnt out

day 179 : a hanami we go

we are going flower viewing now
you and me

its probably good i didnt leave that photo to be opened later

day 178: fat on my face

the high is here
darn
i cannot tell
when it will leave

thank you
for your email
but i cannot comprehend it
there is fat on my face

a layer of thick grease
i cannot stop
and i cannot be productive
i am a mound of moving nothingness

i will get better
it will wither tomorrow
right?
highs cant last that lon-

i cant focus
more
more
eventually

day 177 : for me to come back down

a high
am i buzzing?
i must be
type one hand

chasing different things different sides of me

chair knocked down
im off balance
my body must really be
so confused

i know
you are in the back of all this
waiting patiently
for me to come
back down

what have i done today?

the mind will obsess over anything
mine needs direction
to ever lead to anything

help
guide me

day one hundred and seventy-six : last night of all

last night
after all the distraction of taste and color
i lied down
on my bed

thinking i could muffle myself
in marshmallow futon and duvets
it got softer a few days ago

but no
eyes blinking
darn it food rationing
leads to my mind
so darn awake

i lie on my stomach
and for the third time in a week
allow myself to imagine
you next to me

after a few minutes
i crack
weep

dam broken

day one hundred and seventy-five : hello there

today i come home
food food
house house
clothes clothes

and the whole time
in the back of it all
i know
i know
it is just you

day one hundred and seventy-four : kyuuka

wow
i wonder
if i've ever been devoted
to something
that long

i suppose
yes

various
happy
pleasurable
things

today
i took your book
to the post office

i had forgotten
it was a kyuuka
public holiday

i looked at the closed curtain
dumbly
(but i always mail it on a monday...)

and i turn to the middle-aged lady next to me
and say ah, kyuuka-ne?
just to say something
and she giggles and nods

and we bow and say sorry and thank you three or fours times
before we step away
and i accept
it will be one more day
until i can send this along to you

day one hundred and seventy-three : for now

for now

i will be happy

for now 

appreciate

day one hundred and seventy-two : "risk"

of course there are no hard emotions
i'm not close to anyone

"as you said before
'risk'"

kashi, what did it feel like to be told that?

you see so much from
only
your viewpoint

day one hundred and seventy-one : i will tip over so the energy bounds

i stopped recording my moods
i should start again
its easier to compare

had been good
buzz since got here
and softer calms as well
two weeks ago got low
but last week was better
and kumamoto trip
was okay
few tears but generally
okay

now this week
i have become see through
and i am trying so hard
to become solid

i will tip over soon
there are too many calories in me
i will burst from the energy
i will burst from the money time effort my parents shoved into me
it is all jammed
with no output

it has nothing to do with food
i am making food be the things
moving helped
i need to keep doing my dance/gymnastics everyday
before or after classes, both is best

and move
that helps me feel better
i need direction
i need an end point
i need a goal

i know it can't be you
or another guy
what
what
what

day one hundred and seventy : open

i was finally able
to respond
a month a week
and three days later

day one hundred and sixty-nine : responding

planning
what does that even mean?
that there is some kind of future?
maybe something
to occupy the space
it is something

it let me get excited for a bit
sipping caramel lattes, coffee and hot chocolate
for three hours
thought of creating
and not slipping away

i come home
but the fade is still there
i am not trying to run from it
as i had before

just trying to have them live in tandem
and maybe one of the kinds to beat out the other

i should respond
i know
part of me is scared
what is coming?
a goodbye?

part of me is so relieved
you remember i exist

so many times
i just don't move
just don't do
headlights

move along, move along

i wanted to respond to the first email you sent
not a picture
the one where you first spoke
the words of your mind, being, state to me
the first time since december
i wanted to respond to that first email
but
am i allowed to respond to an email that states you aren't ready to talk?
that doesn't really make sense at all, i'm afraid

how do i go about all this?
can i skip ahead?
tell you my address without what's locked in?

from the day

i would've sworn i'd gotten off track with the dates somewhere or another

day one hundred and sixty-eight : i am a shadowed life

i am beginning to understand
what it means
to live in shadow
or to not live
to be a remnant
to be a half
to be see-through
to be faded
to just be walking through
getting from place to place
A to B then C back to A
and having it start over again

i am not a fatalist
i am trying and trying
danced from corner to corner
trying to improve my juggle
from three to five
you learn by clapping in between

but i am still flat
made of paper
made of wax
counting steps
sitting spells
taking breaths
rolling into bed
doing it all over again

and there is no end in sight
there is no thing in sight

day one hundred and sixty-seven : buzzing petals

so much today
tears morning
bus
evening

right now
light buzz

i wont enter in the hardness

goodnight love
please
be

day one hundred and sixty-six : how can i look back?

can anything be done
to make remembering beautiful
and not a carving of my entire being?

of course.
will it?

day one hundred and sixty-five : my business trip to kumamoto

little things
novelty
I am okay
I am amused

but little things
I keep wanting to show you

day one hundred and sixty four : where are we?

I'm farther away
now

are you still outside of Ireland
I don't even know
what country you're in

how sad is that
I am further from you
than ever

day one hundred and sixty-three: visit me in kumamoto

my dearest
are you there?
i have just awoken

your existence
crossed over into my dream
visually? or just the idea of you?

i cannot see you clearly
so i think
the idea
without seeing

answers to all is much clearer
in the moment of waking
materialis, hiding thinking of you
us
walking
long walking to your house

other people here
blocking out
people there
taking places
of all my acquaintances

the what the fuck
of me going on a business trip
how many stress points
traveling brings
why i ever excited
grateful
i was the person
picked for this

the idea of
the passing of time

the ache of emptiness

the idea of
the passing of time

the relapse
of my eating progress

the idea of
the passing of time

and all i have to do
all i have been procrastinating from
all i want to do
that i am
grateful?
i get the chance of

do me a favor, dear
visit me in kumamoto
i have a feeling
my hotel bed
however Japanese
will feel quite large

day 162 : twenty-five seconds

threw up in my mouth
i am relapsing
or is it the flu

i never know
when the throwing up
is real

i was doing better
now stomach pain overwhelms
my face is fire

i lied down on my yoga mat
and gave myself five minutes to think of you
i saw your face come into my mind's view

and i couldn't continue
and use the four minutes and 35 seconds
that remained

i put my head down
and hoped for a day
when i could

161

some sort of test

how far away can you skip

day one hundred and sixty : sap sap sap

bath tub
sit and think

now i know
why i shower

day 159 : without me

my goal for the next three days
is to be so so so bored
so that time can pass so so so slowly
and i can realize who i am

day 158 : you exist so much

there was a lot

and then quiet

its ok

i am still walking through

all of it

i think if i was in galway

(or brussels?)

i'd be going insane

realizing how much your life exists

without mine

day one hundred and fifty-seven : attempts to cleanse

in the shower
two nights ago

all the sudden 30 seconds of crying
mourning loss

stepped out of the shower
dried off

there is still so much pain
dug into my pores

day 156 : publish

i want to tell you

i feel like i should

send it to only you

before anyone else

every time i hit record

it was you it was for

in every shot

i was looking for you

i really wanted you to be there with me.  i wanted to record all the moments of my time away, so i could wrap them up and give them to you, and then you could be living there with me.

and i would no longer be without you.

day 155 : regressing

I am scared about something
I can't tell anyone about

I can't regress
much less in public
or more?

I have to get better
if I don't it's all for naught