"i can tell you know what you're doing."
he confides

she smiles and says "i loved it"

running to louis macnoise
the clouds come up from the land
i can't stop looking
this feeling, that everything around is blessed and wonderful
that i am moving forward to something
that i AM something

in the kitchen
the plant and you commenting on it

in the shower
i see
i have it all
and for the first time
the lack of you
is not a lack in me

i beat it
i am whole
again

i hold you

it is different

i am keeping you safe

my strong arms are holding your head 

securely

i will protect you

i now have four numbers for you in my phone

you go through phones
like i go through houses

please it is enough 

please you and me 

please 

i cannot i just cannot

not attachment fucking mental health stronger self whatever

im not fucking sick

my chest 

-it is physical-

i can feel it 

it is pulling me 

out of this room

toward your body

its own body

its friend, itself

i can see you in the mirror and you, me

next to you

we are zipped up together

not fucking anxious avoidant

no

i was never like this

i don't, this 

not donal or mother or

its not some indicative pattern

me missing you is not a problem with me

you told me 

we were one and the same

you cried when i left

you waited around town hours for me

you walked to see me everyday

it was not just me

you

gushed on about us

and then

i believed it

and i thought how can two people be one but you loved me so and saw me

and understood me and 

in a way no one ever

it is futile

i never felt pulled so much

it is not wrong

what if

my soul really does need to be with yours

what if

that really is how reality works?

i don't want any of this self-love shit

i don't wanna go to bed alone without you

whats the point of living a joyless life

after four weeks, four fridays gone

the last time i wrote here i was thinking about
the different ways i could continue on
still focused on things i wanted to do
and still loving you
and continuing to until the day you could
answer my kokuhaku
with a yes


there wasn't really an answer
you made me soup
because you love me
and i ate the soup
and loved you
and felt loved


then the winter flung a punch at our abdomens
and strained times and dehydrated veins
tense necks
and for some reason

the lack of us got to me
and i cried before the intersection
and tried to cradle you with my words
sparking an email a day later
of i am not i cannot
and the "please don't make a no forever" chimes in my fearful, crisis-hungry mind

i sit back
body resting against the wall

feel my chest
remember moments of love
feel it burn
and know
the candle returns


and that is just
what is

different emotions.
all true.

pleased, appreciative, thrilled

soothed, grateful, excited, joyful

growing, proud, distanced, mature

worried, trusting, hopeful

I understand.

Teresa picks me up on the docks.
I remember something you say from ages ago
"You need to talk to a female."
It is true, the men easily go from confidant to one of us being something more-

We sit in my living room and I talk about how cheery I used to be.
How I held hope for everyone.

She says, "you are used to pleasing everyone."
She says something akin to "you're self-worth is wrapped up in how other people think of you."

where did this blog go?

i guess after cregg i thought

i cannot hold onto things

& wanting you is not having you
needing you makes you not here


more of the blessings then

more on those

there is a lot you know
to be
a healthy person

i keep thinking i am there
and then
there is more

food.
what a huge other area to concentrate on.
food that drains your energy.
for your sake and for mine and my student who says she is always too tired to study.
foods that fuel: kale and fermented things and edamame and almonds.

how can i do this?
how can i keep us both alive?

eventually

i fell asleep horizontally playing the harp
when i woke to my housemate pounding the wall
shouting at 4 am
i put away my harp
picked up yourmy purple blanket from the desk chair
held it
and went back to bed

and i will travel the world

and walk through all of its colors

with you

in front of me

that you are
in front of me
willing
trying
talking
is everything

good morning

i love you

& enough of heartbreak

this morning i woke up in your arms

you woke and i kissed you

flung my arms up
then around you tighter

you hugged me so close

i was

inside

of you

enough of heartbreak

i will face everything

head on

head strong

& i love you

i smile

feel the universe

and watch the moon

b l i s s

oh
but what would words do?

scheduling

against all attempts
here i am
making tea
swinging poi
doing laundry at 4 am

stepped and it's you

i am eager and apprehensive

i would like to just stand there

for a few minutes

in silence

usually

i can believe you are alive

but it's nice

to see

sometimes its ok when we don't say things

whilst close

i don't feel like talking

but today, how we are, i don't think i can stand there

without words

it's like there's too much noise at the moment

for silence to be okay

well, not about anything immediate

i sit
m o o d y
on the bed
stare at the mirror

woe is kashi
think
i am not sad
about
anything

breathe in breathe out
understand static basic me has sunk a bit

static basic me was more content before
try to use that as, "see i can again!" not "i am sick again"

it's scary
how default it is
to sit
m o o d y
anxious
sad

ty
for talking