please it is enough 

please you and me 

please 

i cannot i just cannot

not attachment fucking mental health stronger self whatever

im not fucking sick

my chest 

-it is physical-

i can feel it 

it is pulling me 

out of this room

toward your body

its own body

its friend, itself

i can see you in the mirror and you, me

next to you

we are zipped up together

not fucking anxious avoidant

no

i was never like this

i don't, this 

not donal or mother or

its not some indicative pattern

me missing you is not a problem with me

you told me 

we were one and the same

you cried when i left

you waited around town hours for me

you walked to see me everyday

it was not just me

you

gushed on about us

and then

i believed it

and i thought how can two people be one but you loved me so and saw me

and understood me and 

in a way no one ever

it is futile

i never felt pulled so much

it is not wrong

what if

my soul really does need to be with yours

what if

that really is how reality works?

i don't want any of this self-love shit

i don't wanna go to bed alone without you

whats the point of living a joyless life

after four weeks, four fridays gone

the last time i wrote here i was thinking about
the different ways i could continue on
still focused on things i wanted to do
and still loving you
and continuing to until the day you could
answer my kokuhaku
with a yes


there wasn't really an answer
you made me soup
because you love me
and i ate the soup
and loved you
and felt loved


then the winter flung a punch at our abdomens
and strained times and dehydrated veins
tense necks
and for some reason

the lack of us got to me
and i cried before the intersection
and tried to cradle you with my words
sparking an email a day later
of i am not i cannot
and the "please don't make a no forever" chimes in my fearful, crisis-hungry mind

i sit back
body resting against the wall

feel my chest
remember moments of love
feel it burn
and know
the candle returns


and that is just
what is