day thirty four : reaching into the dark night

i'm getting nervous

like i need to grab onto something is leaving i am getting left behind

it does make one react differently

if all our actions are contingent on a feeling

that perpetuates other feelings

that send messages

that might have been mis-coded

misdirected

uninformed

everything through mediums of distortion and delusion

we are not aware at all

i know what i am feeling

is not just connected to you

but worry and anxiety

related to other people

myself

my house situation

my future

citog

going home

after how close we were the last two weeks

the space between

is a bit

hard

but it is okay okay okay

i am okay okay okay

and i sincerley hope you too are

okayokayokay

i can handle space

if i know

you are happy

goodnight, love

day 33

tonight
in my stomach
there is a brown rock
not too heavy
my stomach knows heavy
but enough to keep my mind
slightly there

i miss you
you spent the night here
monday night
four nights ago
three days ago
i kissed you
goodbye
so many times

true
i haven't been grateful enough for it
i haven't written about it
and every night
i head to bed thinking i can relive it
and fall asleep

busy week
when i get home
to bed
not a lot of eating

today i ate
i miss you

day thirty-one : grinning

yesterday

was magical

i leapt through the day

grinning at all whom i encountered

i

could not

stop smiling

today

i tried to keep it going

not sink

...

i cannot take a single step

without pondering

this is precious

i hope i don't fall straight asleep

i hope i can spend some time

remembering

day thirty : night to day

i fell to sleep
my arms wrapped around you

i woke from sleep
your arms wrapped around me

day twenty nine : rain

four weeks
packed away
into a raincoat
i forgot
when i walked to the shop

for apples

i passed an older man
he warned me:
you better turn back now

i paid no heed

and took a picture of the rain
for you

day twenty-eight : vulnerable

i used to think

it was much easier

to write poems to you

when i was sad

that when times were easier

i didn't write

because there was nothing to say

but i no longer believe that to be true

it is simply harder

to penetrate

the feelings from happiness

the inner-workings

it is infinitely more

delicate

vulnerable

writing about

exhilaration

day twenty-seven : this is extra

i know

i have made it a rule

that on the nights

when you are here

i do not need to write a poem

mainly because

you are lying down beside me

and who am i 

to contest the universe

climb over your steaming torso

reach down onto the floor

my ass in the air

within your palms' reach

pick up my laptop or phone

and lie next to you

typing words

about

how much

i want to be with you

but tonight
i got up
after you tucked me in
early
around 9:30.

fiddled about
here and there
making the body
move
create calories to eat
and walk about to move them up

so that later
in another two hours time
i could lie back down in bed
the way you left me
smile
and remember
the giggles
the tucking in
the kiss goodnight

specialties

testing ahead

Day Twenty-Five: Dear

Dear
Do not fret
You body
Is being
Taken
On a journey
This is the phase
Where mushrooms
Fall
A little too hard
On your head

The end of it is coming.
Rest and forget to wait.

the twenty-third day : this moment

here love
now

day twenty two: we will just wait

you will feel better
sometime






"sun! sun! see it's beauty!" i shout from the other end of the park.
but it is behind a tree for you
"i cannot see!" you say
it is fruitless to shout see see
if the tree blocks.


we will just wait, for the earth 
to rotate

Day Twenty-One: Travelling

Was preparing for the distance and then your hand on my cheek- then arm... you pulling me next to your body and i tears of relief. Then holding, wrapping and rewrapping of selves. I shot up from a three to nine.

day nineteen: appreciation 101. dreams, realised

at the moment
my head is filled of thoughts
my stomach twists
the day is ending
i am uncertain of tomorrow

it feels like it has been ages since i reached towards you
but it's been half an hour
perhaps now i am experiencing something similar to you
crazy, undiluted, sudden excitement before
now, hesitancy and timid, tip-toed steps

but

today

was a

beautiful day

it clashes with now
i will set this twisting down
aside, to revisit in sleep
and after i close this pa-so-kon

lie down
where we lay together two nights ago
close my eyes
and re-feel sitting up next to you in the sun
walking alongside, a tiny journey
then
up wooden steps, to my workplace
i will lie down and

re-feel the moment

you kissed me goodbye

in front of my work

day eighteen: my shirt is yours

i started to pick up my shirt
its yours
you took it off last night
as we wrapped
and
rewrapped
our arms around each other

the camel socks!
the ones you had on last night
in half-wound balls by the side of the bed
seeseeitwasallreal&true

i climb into bed now
and remember
as i fall
into sleep

day sixteen: heliology

i cannot write
it is mouth of chalk
honey from stone
rain falling mercury
i only understand that

there is a light quietly
unassumingly
bursting from my core

it is the same warmth
that entered us
as we lay together
blessing each other in light

day fifteen: unexpected

Morning to night
Dusk to dawn to dusk again
The sweetest part of the day

Covering your eyes with my hands

day fourteen: tears of release

at 22:05
i stood in the hallway
after she talked to me
staring at my door
and kabir quote

almost rolling my eyes
at the fates
giggling around
their pools of thread
waiting, calmly, as the tears begin

it is normal. i know how to go about it.
sweater hat shoes coat
keys and out the door

i sit on bench
and cry
(you know, i told you)
about how i have no home,
about how i am back in the very very low

after ten minutes
i am cold
i can cry in my bed, i decide
if she hears me, its ok this time
i can't possibly be called out on noise-making

walk in, gather clothing, phone rings, as soon as the first note has ended, i know it is you.

you are incredibly reliable
when i am in a hurricane

i grab phone, slip back out
and i am explaining
which is good because i didn't voice anything the first time
didn't think, only felt
now the heat is racing out of me
the pain is rushing, guzzling, escaping

and you don't seem to be taking any pain in
you are strong and working it through and telling me

you realize its not about this, right
it all the other times coming up too
it is the similar emotion reappearing to see how we are doing
to show us its not there anymore
so we can remember
it is a sign the feeling is disappearing

that's what i think anyway

i never
thought
of that.

you talk about senses of humor
development
when better
have none, i say
(because none of this is funny)
going to happen, you say

things are sweeter.

now. 

i am better.
as i walk on grass
i feel
release
a happy stasis
see lights and shadows on the house
and feel quite mindful
of the space i am walking through
of the phone in my hand
of you, closeby

and as i enter into my house
i start to cry
look at tanya, say
he's fuckin perfect
crying again,
a different crying,
but still
that's sorta funny -isn't it?

day thirteen: aye, there's the rub

i am surprised at myself
i knew productive procrastination existed
but there is a pumpkin spiced vanilla soy concoction to my left
that took roasting a pumpkin and turning it to puree
to create

i stopped mid-dance, around 9 pm
thought and tried to stop
cut up a pumpkin around 10
thought and tried to stop
opened my second set of pencils around 11
began conjugating portuguese verbs
thought and tried to stop

somewhere between the installation in your room
and now
i got it in my head
that japanese and portuguese study were part of us
but that is not
that is me
you and me are
book reading,
habit forming,
self-curing and soothing
endeavors
but those things
take a lot more thought
and they make me hurt
a bit more
they tense up my chest
so meditating, body care
those are easier
to work on for us
i can only read two pages of lacan a sitting
my mind wants to ruminate and let the information settle into me
if i rushed that book
i wouldn't understand what it says

maybe that's the rub

day twelve: tenuous

after

it was so tenuous

everything

i could have lain on my bed, and fallen asleep under myour purple woolen blanket
i could have written in my journal, drawn you a picture, written today's poem
i could have done some free-running, which, as i walked away from you, seemed the thing my body most wanted to do

instead
i have spent the past five hours
doing every possible thing other than.
using every single avoidance tactic
known. mixing strange foods, washing dishes, crying about unrelated things, studying portuguese and japanese

every once in a while
stopping and wondering
why i was not stopping to dwell
before jumping back in
to worrying about lidia or my mother
or washing another plate or turning the heat on and off

e'en now
i cannot reflect
perhaps it is too beautiful
too fragile
if i even look
it might break

day eleven : padrão

monday
i cried

i was scared

it was the extreme excitement
about which i wrote you

a side version of what mania is

maybe

tuesday

i danced

danced more

pedaled as fast-as-possible

home

home

and did cartwheel, cartwheel, cartwheel

one-handed

right, left

whips cartwheels and dives

round-offs

and tried to imagine what an aerial would feel like

wednesday

i cried

called you

was able to walk home

thursday

i went to creaven house

and thought of you

as i kicked and turned
constantly shifted weight
protected my face
and danced with wooden sticks

on tuesday,

i also taught my elementary brazilian students the word

pattern

day ten : yes sir

l a u g h 
l a u g h 
s t i l l   l a u g h i n g


yes care
a lot of


get home safe


concerned


is concern for okayness/safety linked to love for me?
independent go your own way is lack of care?
that is substance for another day


you wrote the poem
for today

day nine : week two day two

you said yes
i run
f           a                                   s                                                                      t
a w a y
with this answer


like you ran toward me
past moneenageisha
past the bus stop
amidst bystanders and onlooking cars
in march

like i ran toward you
right down the middle of
st. augustine street
amidst shoppers and library-goers
in july


no one else will ever catch me
and you won't have to
i will run into your arms

day eight : getting into the shower

getting into the shower
after i have held you
is a hard thing

taking off the socks
that touched the inside of your sheets
where your body
spends every night

taking off
the pink shirt
taking off
the turquoise dress
i undressed to
when our bodies, compounded
got too warm

taking off
the pinkbluedpurple underwear
where your fingers
touched
where they hesitated
and where they
went
under

it is hard to say goodbye to
the touches
that are still there
on every
piece of cotton

for a minute
the pinks, turquoise, purple, blue, whites and blacks
on tile floor
transfer them to my memory
so they cannot wash away

PROGRESS REPORT: end of week one

it has been a week now
what progress have i done?

planned:

• re-finished melanie klein
• began lacan
• began and halfway through mindfulness for BPD
• avoided stop walking on eggshells (maroon typescript and border, horrid title)
• studied japanese, made kanji blog
• wrote you a poem (poesie) every day
• thought and journalled of self-discoveries (this should definitely be better logged)
• yoga-ed slight (run dance tumble were tabled from flu)
• confirmed spot for january in japan
• weekly write

and unplanned

• continued and read much of wasted (ED similarities and coping strategies, suppression explored, etc)
• began and am apparently 7% fluent in Portuguese (numbers = not real)
• began flight searches
• 
  

negatives:
*DN*S fail once
S*LFH*RM fail twice


i am getting somewhere... right?

day seven : LED butterfly fairy lights

on the days
i do not want to think about
me
leaving
you

me
leaving
the country you are in

i think about
the LED butterfly fairy lights
hanging from my makeshift closet
and how i will give them to you

i think of my black long-johns
you wore once
after i had taken them off
in your room
in the old room
where things were
smooth
smoother
more smooth

the long-johns that fit me
fit you
you weren't wearing underwear
of course
you pulled them up
about you
your penis touching
the area
that touched
my
crotch

i remember feeling
funny
sweetly naughty
wearing them
after that

when
i do not want to think about
being a hemisphere
away
from you
i think
of giving you
the black long-johns
the LED butterfly fairy lights
my pillow, blankets, and sweatshirts
maybe that way
i can still be close to you

day six : safety pinned arm

today
i responded
to a message
your friend sent me

it felt weird
it feels weird
and i want to tell you about it
not to inform
but to release

it feels kinda like
someone pierced my arm with a safety pin

not so painful as on the bottom of my foot
as i walk or run

but enough to serve as a constant reminder
of something slightly wrong
something out of place
where it shouldn't be

i hope
when i try to take it out
and show it to you
tomorrow, or monday, or the day next if you allow
you won't see anything in the pin
you won't let it pierce you too.

day five : you can swim with me

i am proud
because i didn't cry
but ashamed
this is about me
when you were troubled

when you are hurt
when you are not all right
when you are not smiling and playing with me
dancing funny steps
swaying and swagging
i want to help you

but that's somehow a sign of something lacking in me, right?
no! for how is it a sign of lack of character that i don't want you to be sad?

its just the weather, you said.
you've explained this to me before, i understand what you mean
just by the word
weather

i suppose when i am down
and my mother worries herself sick trying to cheer me
that doesn't really help me feel better at all
her worrying
makes me feel worse
inept. a letdown.

her being optimistic and inspiring
does neither
i am in  a  m o o d
i am in  g r a y  c l o u d s

as we step, step
cool autumn air
beginning of the season against us
i wonder if it is similar for you

you have told me
when there is tension,
my anxiety
feeds into you
you have told me
the scared, neediness
when you are bad
adds to pressure

but when just walking
does it-
wait-
you are speaking
you are  e x p l a i n i n g !

I. feel, hearing sensations

II. two feelings

III. physical state

and i have been allowed in to the pool
you are swimming in
given the rules and guidelines
tour and towel

i am sorry, thank you for informing me

it is a relief
to still be connected
to understand
the smallest bit
it is a relief
that you are
keeping me
privy
that i am here

it's not pointed, you say

and my breathing regulates.
i knew it of course.
i knew it.
but it helps anyway.

day four : forlorn, determined, seconds decide

i am reading about neurotransmitters

and their affect on

me

and trying to figure how much is mollycoddling

and how much is real

with these things

i suppose it is always a mix

marie

my therapist

my counselour

maybe my friend

would tell me to rejoice

when i wouldn't act like a ten-year-old

sometimes i felt ashamed

a girl my age

was telling me to rejoice

once

she put her hand on my back

and i started to cry

her palm

let

loose

every emotion and troubled moment i'd had

since i left the states 

and came to this unwelcoming

cold

stone

i am held

by this book

because i wrote it on a poster board

because it leads me to you

but part of me

doesn't want to get too tangled

in case they pull out a dagger later

sometimes people do that

out the windowdoor

grass and cool sun

ilios me dontia

my greek friend taught me

each time i look up from this book i am met by a different face

in the glass

terror excitement malaise spirited

i laugh when i get forlorn and think

"you were just so determined!"

i am beginning to know myself

to very slowly start to realize

the sad feeling this second, minute, hour

will not be forever

out the windowdoor
again my attention wanders

just time

just time

just a year

in the meantime in the meantime inthemeantime

get better

and with a pleasured disgruntlement

look away from the sun

back to the page