ode to tumblr

i havent been to this site in a while
eventually i realized it was unwise

as much as it comforted me
and made me feel like these problems weren't just mine

it kept me lowly
gray
under ground

as i make my way
back to it again

i pass all the sun and warmth
and stay steady on rain through a window
it is my
inclination
it is my
nature
it is me

i wrote a song called victim mode
in january
i hadn't heard the term
before peer support
it was a bit about billy
and then about how you compared me to him
because i couldnt see things

i felt distanced from it then
writing about
for to be writing about it i had to understand it right?
which meant i was better than i had been

i told you once, and i wrote about it once

id call
but maybe
im not supposed to

you werent saying stop
right

just describing
right

there are scenarios i should describe
someday

june

when we were touching
i thought
i need to record us
before i return to japan
to have

then it got messier
and then
definitely not the right placetime to ask

but i really wish
i had

could i please maybe i'm done with the body issue thing

i watched game 6
of the nba finals
girls
cheerleaders
then
guys
breakdancers came on
and the moves
i could some
others, in time

i want that so bad
capoeira like
then i was happy
i wanted something

something within me, in time.
not a person or thing

i might need
to be stronger than i am now
and my body might have to get
a little bulkier
a little
heavier

but

272 i know

with us

i know

since pen touched paper

i have had hope

i didn't know it then

but i understand now
that

actually

i am a very 

optimistic person

i know
we'd last
more than two weeks

i know
i could be with you
especially now
as i convalesce

reaction time has slowed
among 19 other
improvements

i know
you make delicious breakfasts

i know
we could move and train
strengthen

i know
you could capture
eyes and admiration

i know
i don't believe in karma
and if i pretend to
the world has nothing negative
to give me
if it would seem to
i could combat it
or let it pass through

i know
i am eating and not purging
not harming, stronger maybe not each day
but at least each month
i know
more and more time on arms
instead of legs

i know
we breathe life into each other

i know
i would be okay without you

and that is how i know
we can be

and the words don't make sense

but they mean i exist

because people say them to me

i get worried
the attention is too much
the gaiety too high
i don't want others
to be able to affect me

but when all is done
and the guys make their moves
though i am oversexed as hell
it is so easy
to shake my head
and go to bed

so i know
im allright

I can't believe I'm here

I can't believe my life has been in such a non state
for so long

I'll stay here forever if the end is gory
I'll jump tomorrow if the end is gory

whatever


apathy.




back
ow



guess not.

but
but
don't leave
i'm coming back


you made joke
when i said
i go come back
you said
maybe i be sick of galway and gone by then bwahahaha
but maybe
it wasn't a joke



i feel my heart has broken six times
in the past 2 years
it just keeps happening

thank you for

with me
it had gotten pretty tough
i was trying to figure out
how to satiate
it's bit better
now

level complete

yesterday
I thought about
the words I wrote to you
exactly one year ago

all I was going through
the three weeks before
flying home and my stomach cramping
and feeling my insides sour and stinging with bile

how those goals I wrote
those colors I touched
the desire I had
have fluctuated in my brain
grown and dimmed
isolated between possible and not

I got out my pen
to chart my progress again
and thought

I have read everything
I have stepped away from the physical harm things, body and diet
and I have worked, not completely but much, on all the things I said I would think through

then I thought
I did it.



a few minutes later I thought
I'm done now.



a few more minutes later I thought
I'll keep working on myself then.

i
miss
you

quite
speechless

my stomach
is

swirls

two six two : shiver and shake

three days ago

i thought

maybe

we

are 

talking.

it took a 

while

to accept;

i'd been waiting

so 

long.

suonidibil

since i started with boyfriends
i've never gone six months without.
...much less...
now i have.
well, six months and a day, so.

part of me
is mournful, it is a waste of me.
many my happiest moments, bodies and sheets.
feel quite unalive staring at my ceiling:
i am more alone than i've ever existed.

part of me
doesn't give a fuck.

i think of us 
in front of your mirror 
just shades of skin
you standing carrying me and my legs are wrapped around your waist and-

i don't want to get that strong or bulky i want you to hold me and 

i said if i am weak people needed to care about me
that was emotional mental
if i am weak physically 
what
then i need you to hold me, carry me?
that's not a sign of any bad/lacking/subversive thing, is it?

[but
i gave you a piggy back ride through the moat once
i liked that]

if i am strong i dont need you and then i am safe and ready?
if i am weak then i do need you and then all is forbidden?

this is all getting a little too interwoven for kashi

why do i always feel like i am choosing between happiness and health?

day two hundred fifty-nine : t r a p p e d

a few days ago

little brother, skype

he says

"ooooh cristy, i can tell you've been working out

you're starting to get some trap muscles."

"huh? what's that?" he can only see from my shoulders up...

"most people, yeah know if you don't work out, the line from the neck goes straight to their shoulders. but other people, if you work out, you have these extra muscles rights here."

he points them out on himself.

eduardo has taken working out seriously for seven years.

it is a compliment, i know.

after we hang up

i stare in the mirror

see the smooth, straight, fragile line is gone

tell myself not to cry

so much of me wants to stop.

tell myself i like capoeira

tell myself i like regaining flips

tell myself i want to be able to do all the amazing things i've watched the last two months

tell myself it is worth it

tell myself i was so dark souled

tell myself it sucked not being able to move

dreaming of food

counting calories in. my. sleep.

tell myself the boys who touched my collar bones and ribs

held my waist within their two hands

did not make me happy. made me worse at times.

tell myself the girls who checked me out

just hated me more

tell myself

tell myself... what?

i am still regretting all the arm exercises

last monday. going to the class at all.

but

it makes. me so happy.

i can't want to stop.

i want to stop.

my body image, with stages of

tomboyness

catholicism

wanting to be iko

ballet basketball soccer

gymnastics volleyball track & field

hipboob realization

ethnic/race confusion

throwing up and restricting

sprinkled with

mother's love of the hourglass

mexican macho household

braless hippie shakespeare camp

are the makings of a novel in themselves.

for today

one page of the whole mess

i wonder

if you could still think my body beautiful

with the pieces of meat tacked onto me

if i am not delicate.

if i am not weak.

you liked my body

i don't want it to change away from that

i was beautiful to you

after hanging up with eddie

all i think of:

i wish i was weak

i lose to the mirror and i cry

258

i am
the social
i am
cooking?
for others

and throughout the night

i am
saving japanese boys
with flat tires
who call on me
me?
to come to their aid

"you're the most girlish american girl i've ever met"

i am 

introducing japanese people to each other
clearing up misunderstandings between their japanese
how?

"you are so free."

i am
explaining my chrome to others
showing places
exchanging greetings with my daily locals

"i think, maybe i should be more like you. you do your 

hair so pretty, you dress so cute. you are so happy."

i am
the go-between
keeping the conversation rolling
walking others safely back
giving advice
rattling off proverbs
tonight i possess the knowledge i usually seek
tonight i am what i seek

257 : simpler pieces

in grammar class

we discuss

what would you do if you only had 24 hours left to live

i have to give an example answer first;

i've always thought

efl

was quite therapeutic.

a boy misunderstands the question

says, i do my homework at 8 p.m.

other students correct him

the world is ending, they say.

they translate to the popular japanese question

"what's the last thing you want to do?"

even though that's a kind of different question

masashi wants to skydive, issei wants to eat steak

i pick up a different color marker and reread the question out loud 

then realize i haven't thought of an answer

i pause for a brief moment and say, my marker filling in the gap,

"i will fly to ireland and see my boyfriend and hold him."

it falls out of my mouth.

one boy shouts 気もい！

one girl smiles

the rest of the thirteen-year-olds nod their heads in approval

like

yeah, makes sense 

yeah, that's what you should do

i know, you're not
but i still think
it's what i would do

256

seven hours of sleep

more than usual

skin nicer

head less pain

not tired when wake

let's do this again

i care about you

i also care about me

i keep working

today

juggle, write, study, teach-

i laugh with students, genuine smile for the first time in three weeks

plays game, actually have fun doing so

listen to them, we interact. i connect. care again. there is a difference.

we study spicy/salty/bitter/sour/sweet

i have them close their eyes

place little morsels of different things in their palms

they taste, describe, make sentences.

i praise them, and it is not fake.

they try, 

participate, 

smile when they can, 

even though they are tired.

head chest
we would be right
at what point
self-obsessed
at what point
laziness

i am without that vital hope thing they say is necessary
it was here for five months ish growing strong
what the hell
get back here

damn it

see flowers
see light

you
please
break out

there is all this stuff
and everyone is trying to help you

get on with it
whimper
okay get on with it
s
o
f
t
l
y

I am not tied to anything
my body is in the best shape it's been since junior high
I am not tied to anything

my apartment is clean and organized and mine
I don't worry about messes or eyes or annoyance
I am not tied to anything

when I was in high school
he wrote love on my arms
to celebrate the day
he said
stop being so sad, jeez

I am not tied to anything
in the darkest
I know
I am so sad. I try to combat with positive thinking.

I am not tied to anything.

I remember being seven
being so mischievous
after parents closed the door
jump back out of bed to look out the window
make wish on the brightest star

I am not tied to anything
I am not tied to anything

every step I've taken
was wrong

.

I remember being seven
I remember feeling like
I was not tied to anyone but God
even my family

I felt it was me and the world
me and the sky and stars
we were playing with each other

and I didn't worry about anyone else's mind, ideas, opinions

only I really mattered
I wasn't tied to anything

why
now
does it hurt
so much

you wrote the poesy for today part ii

it is a matter of

calm

and

slow

and

sure

and then

things

my heart is with you

proud &

shopping is a harder one to understand

because i just became aware of it

in november

i knew that

once i started working at the library in college

i just spent the money on clothes and coffee

and i remember thinking a few times

i wish i didn't have money

so i could be creative again

because when i was in high school

i never spent money on clothes

i would sew things that were torn

cut up old things to make new pieces

i no longer did that

i was the taddish bit more generic

i knew that

in grad skewl

i was very lonely

and had so much time

where i didn't know what to do

how to feel better

so i bought lots of things

way too many things

things that are lost or stored all over ireland

and spain

and as i wrote

in book... 1?

in november i realized

whenever i wanted you to hold me

i shopped for the softest sweaters

so this morning

as i wake up

in 30 degree weather

and for some reason find myself looking at sweaters

proud and sad

i realize

i want to hold you

be held by you

so

so

so much

i stop looking at sweaters

and cuddle up

under soft

day two hundred and fifty-one : reply part ii

when i moved to fukui

i was tired of introducing myself

so i lied to everyone about everything

because the story of me was quite old

it kept it exciting

changing it all

when i moved to kitakyushu

i was tired of introducing myself

so i didn't talk

others were ok

they talked

i guess 

sergio knows about you

even before stuff on my wall

he saw me drawing in notebooks on trains to meetings

me studying my phone

a picture somewhere
getting quiet at certain moments

i never told mari a thing

haven't been with much for her to take notice, either

1, 2, 3, 4 a.m. we lie on my pink couch
she talks of her friends, boys, family, dreams, work
i listen
maybe i assist
i am always sleepy. my eyelids flutter.

"i envy you."

"you definitely shouldn't, mari."

"but you are so lucky."

we sip dirty chai.

「いいな～。カシちゃんのアパートを好きよ。

i can... feel the love you have for him.

いい気持ち。」

i don't talk.

day 250 : reply

making chai tea

that my mother sent me

along with a carousel necklace
that i wore monday  

coworker calls down the hall

how long have you been with your boyfriend?

confused

i come out to the living room
i.e. take a few steps

she is looking at a picture of you

i stall in space 

wondering

lately, last month? running. straight. 30 minutes.

she usually sprint walk sprint walk

co-worker says nono long steady she say ok

every sunday does the kicks

sings the song

smiles, weird i know

evening when no capoeira

she goes to park

plays vamos vadiar angola

and sways about

waiting it to feel part of her

she eats greens and seeds and icky fish on occasion

even though makes little sad

cause understand body craves?

she does all this

and talks about how sad no one holds her hand

kisses lips

wants to be the one to cherish her

who she looks open eyed at, adoring

now that she has been through so much

and lived through so much

finally no one 

wants anymore

she cries, she hates, she gets tired of hate

she sits and wonders how to not sit and cry

and

little by little

better

and then body decided to quit

she was going and going and healed or almost

and then a break of WHAT THE FUCK

i was doing all the things

then something i thought would not come but it came

can i handle this

this is what i've been working toward

and...

8 days passed since it started

(2 days passed after it had ended)

somehow, kashi, r-e-s-i-l-i-e-n-t-?

yes, her

a success

and then body says nonononononono fool

but, still

but, anyway

on the hospital bed

it's not really that i wanted to live

it's not really that i was scared to die

it was just

that i didn't know

what the hell

was happening

everything will be okay
capoeira songs in my head
all i want is rest
and arms around me
if you could hold me now
i could pass away

247 : the facts are poesy enough

i am crying

as stickers are put all over me

an older woman is holding my hand

the younger one says she knows it's scary

they are pulling up my shirt, my bra

and i am telling them it hurts it hurts please don't push down so

but nothing comes out

nothing coherent anyway, in japanese or english

i am driven to another hospital

more stickers

pumps of different sorts

scans

i am not crying anymore

but i am holding my chest

my hands don't leave it

for the next five hours

血の検査 chi no kensa

i learned a new phrase

so many curtains, questions

i regret wearing a bra, two shirts

just more to take off

all a pretense

covering what matters

stickers a third time

your arteries are closing up

it makes the heart attack

he says in japanese.

then, in english:

your heart. it's dizzy.

pause.

he looks at me

and he continues, with his drawing, his dictionary, his medicine, his sentence.