day 154: a photograph from you

today i sent book three

have you read book one?
book two?
the .5 book i wrote in my last week in galway?
i can't picture it.


you
sent me a picture
i believe
a few days ago
i haven't opened it yet
no subject
no hints

i've told myself, tomorrow
the last two days
maybe tomorrow
i will actually be able
to click

153

I hiked up a mountain today
I didn't know when I started off my journey
and suddenly there I was
looking down at all below

and the moment was nice
but the stillness still terrified
so I kept moving

every picturesque moment
even above the world
I will not slow down

I will keep
moving toward you

day one hundred and fifty-two : my temple

now
little tiny things
here and there

not strong are forceful
in my face

but on it

the patches of my hair
growing back
that i shaved away
that you touched

part of me wants it
gone
why i did it in the first place
part of me
appreciates pinpointing
the exact area your fingertips
touched my temple

day one hundred and fifty-one : your teeth on my skin

on my upper chest
there is a mark

reappeared

you left your lips
there
sucking
for enough seconds to claim me
for weeks

the mark faded
unlike the touch
of your teeth
pressing
precisely
at the pointed tip
before pleasure becomes pain

the past week
coming out of the shower
it has returned
a shadow

hovering over
caressing me again

day 150: drive

there are different songs.
this one is liquid licorice around my ankles
a too cold breeze of the kitchen window
me sad
trying to feed myself
wanting to walk toward you
and walking up wooden stairs to my small space

and breathe in the things you've left for me

day one hundred and forty-nine : 090 8621 7887

i have

a new phone number

today

i wonder

if you'll ever know it

day one hundred and forty-eight : swimsuit season

if swimsuit season comes
i'll have to shave down there
i notice
as i put on my seamless undies
before getting into bed

but it wont be here
for a while

day 147 : i am not rushing

one day
i will shave my legs
maybe
i can

maybe trim my hair

but i am not rushing
it doesn't feel right yet

eventually it will
and i will

and if it never does
its ok

i dont want anyone else touching my legs
anyway

146

february

shortest month

you have lasted ages

please be gone now

day 145 : he gave you a look

my birthday
i took polaroids
to try to make it special?
because it was special?

a picture
of eeamon
eaamon?
his face in his hands

all of my polaroids arranged
on the molding of my apartment
i see him there
tucked away

and remember
explainging him to you
and you said
oh that's why
he gave me a look
of
disdain

day 144 : body and mind

hi you
i'm going to fall asleep
please come visit me

we are gonna be okay, right?
you and me
one day
i am strong

you are too
your arms, shoulders
and your mind

that is what drew me to you
at the start

day 143

you emailed me
i can't even begin to write back
i try to think and all is a block

i hadn't even responded to your second email yet
i know this is a different kind
a "work" email
where we are different versions of ourselves

but even with all that
i can't type
a thing

it is too much
too fast
i can't even wash your sweatshirt without a three minute breathing calming

i can't take out your letter
to put by my bed
everything in the suitcase
i haven't unpacked is
everything you touched
it is all
of us

please just wait
please don't get upset i haven't emailed you back yet
it is all

still

so much

day one hundred and forty two

there are so many pieces of things
i cannot understand
or know how to try to understand them

i know i want to be something for you
but i dont know how wrong that is

i know i was to be special
but i don't know in what

i know i like to act and juggle and i loved playing with children today
i know i didn't once feel like it was the first day back
it felt like i took a few weeks holiday


i wonder how bad it is that i can lump huge amounts of time into nothing
forget whole years, segments, people

i get scared how much out of sight out of mind is

i know i want to wait for you
i know i loved you more that i have ever felt for anyone
something more than love
a knowing
i have.. been with you in a manner i have never existed with another person

i know i get so scared it will amount to nothing to you
that just as all the sudden i was the world
all of the sudden i will cease to matter to you

i know that i would rather be with you than anyone
i know that i would rather be alone than with not you

but i do not want to be alone
i get scared and in panics
and dear lord it has only been two months

two months on sunday
add three more days today

how much have i grown?
some
introspectively
but my body? have i treated it well?
my mind? does it think better?
and perhaps more importantly
my purpose

because as i wrote about
my happiness should not depend on me waking in your bed

so the most important thing
something to live for that is not your arms

but i only want your arms right now
can't that be my purpose?

you cannot take me till i can exist without you, right?
well i have gotten to that point

now is it that you cannot take me till i have a happiness that is not (only) you?
that i look for now
though it seems a much steeper task

day 141

all the things left in my big purple suitcase
are the hardest things to take out
wrap around pants
inverse of the felt heart i sent
the first present you ever got me
my christmas present

oh!
it is painful today

140

It was never this dark around you.

All you are is a result of what you have thought.

All you are is a result of what you've done.

All you are is a culmination of everything you've eaten.

139

mistakes both pattern

want to be with you as you get better

I roamed the chambers, coming at last to the one where my empty loom stood. Now, suddenly, I knew the pattern I would create upon it. I would show both sides of my life, make them one by weaving them into one design. Until I had confronted Agamemnon on the walls, I had thought my old life was no longer a part of me. Now I knew that I would forever be Helen of Sparta as well as Helen of Troy. Within Helen there could be many Helens. Only by admitting the Spartan Helen into my presence again could she be rendered harmless.

day 138

from away internet time:

Tonight
Grace Margaret Turner
Asked me to play music
Sth I am know for?
Knowing"
Good music
Step to the comp
What else
But Halsey's colors
If I am to pick something
If I am to hear notes
I paint a watercolor for you
But do not speak a word of you
Tho I want to
You are still
Too close

137

last year
you sat on a couch next to me

as i talked to eduardo
sang him happy birthday

there was so much more going on in that room
than i realized

all i remember was really wanting to show eduardo you
and being happy enough
that you were close to me
as i wished my brother a happy birthday

we were becoming intimate

day one hundred and thirty-six : you are both

It's scary when you don't think, isn't it?
Where did the past half hour go?
Did i turn off the water
Oh yes, we have to do that here
No kettles
Are you using a kettle right now?

Are you with your housemates? AAE or related people? Volunteering people?
You are both sides of the spectrum.
I love and want to stand by both. Rather, lie across you in the more fluid end.

135

lying in bed flash of excitement 

possible?

list in head

blocking even when thinking about blocking

think as sleep

web link version?

photo edition for next?

print to this time?

134

All frozen so thought is slow
Clothes
Plug on phone
Futon
Think of Thomas

Is the list I make after
I shut the door
To the freezing hallway
And take temporary refuge
In the rapidly decreasing
Mist of the shower

Do you remember?
How my thoughts would lull
In the cold

day one hundred and thirty-three : sent

i have wanted to say thank you
each passing day

but the last two weeks
it has seemed even more important

i think i'm glad
i told you
today









(first time sitting with net access in past week.
have been writing poesie. will update the last days' poesy when stable net)

day 132

Today
I was in Japan
I wonder if I can tell you about it
Someday

I walked through a dwarfed Alice door
Went into a capsule store
Looked through lolita dresses
Juggled in front of a shrine
Looked at phone charms
Ate Japanese Italian food
Bought colorful dainty tights and socks
Dance to DDR in an arcade
Wore my boots and purple hair like a Nagoyan Sunday
Stared at foreigners
Took pictures of fashionable pedestrians

Today
I was all typical thoughts Japan
The endemics
I wonder if I can tell you about it
Someday

day one hundred and thirty : night on nagoya's streets

Today I saw him
It was a bit scary
The way I reacted so curious
Observing features.
Seeing how well they matched him
The stance, walk, arch while biking
And then I got incredibly scared 
Of actually encountering him again
I would freeze
Or
More likely
Sweetly smile, blink slowly, and keep going.

I haven't thought about him in so long.
I didn't think so many lights would flash about in my head.

Will you hold my hand? As I walk through the crowded streets of Nagoya tonight?

129

and to spite myself
i got excited

128

sections to add:

things i have known but not really done much about

this is the time 

to fix

it

127

Scared this not new different thing to him
Leaving items at house quote
But I don't do that....

126

I feel in love and got married but unfortunately in the wrong order.

Day 125 :

9 different ink colors
112 pages
2 read-throughs
1 walk
1 dream

adds to
125 days ago
when you gave me
future