day two hundred fifteen : amazement

the moment i saw it

white all around me

eyebrows up

heart mid-beat

amazement.

slow, comprehending tears forming and preparing

struggling to contain the burst of light beginning to protrude out of me

something big is coming

preparing my body for take-off

i turn off the light

lie on my settee

cover myself

and let myself understand

the picture.

i shake. i cry.

i think i am happy.

i am still 

trying to understand

how you have the book i sent.

the other world,

where you are,

exists.

and in the same world

i am in.

at the moment

i struggle. seeing. 

and so fast.

i thought it took at least two weeks

to get to that place

i didn't really think

they got to.

and you wrote things

to me

re: words i wrote

which means

you 

read

the words.

some at least.

there is evidence.

at the moment

i struggle. seeing.  

those words

reached me

here

thirty-six hours

ago.

i am trying

so hard

to believe it.

day two hundred fourteen : golden week

there are
one two, fourteen,
thirty-two too many sparks
around and in
judging from
head
buzz
finish close open
windows
paint, dye, sort
being

drink in the freezer
stove on
calm, please,
show you've progressed.

i can taste the fake in food now
either regression to robot or suprahuman

the week of naninani go go
(does that mean i have... stamina?)
and sets of various natural disaster make-up lessons -
all closed up.

t  i  m  e

maybe
that's what all the turmoil is
trying not to think
of how cruelly arranged it is
to have the next week
off

day two hundred thirteen : flit flit

when i wake
you are almost there

on the train

before class

just out
of reach

day two hundred twelve : 折れました

body or mind
or how much of each

something is wrong
don't want to over think
worried i messed my body up
for good
since before doctor and after
nothing divides throat and stomach
the ache is a screw
trying to keep the roof of my mouth in place

my body found out it wanted to live
rebelled splashing the rancid paste of sickness
back to remind

i can't stop salivating
it'd be a good time i guess
if you were here.

no matter how much i drink
i am still thirsty

stinging, my body tries to counter with soymilk
my body asks for salt salt salt
and fish fish fish
everything is trying to fix something else
body is pulled and struggling to appease

hunger pain left again. full pain left?
i had begun to like them accept them.
they were helpful

my body found out i can heal
pushes energy, life into me.
my body does not know
how its supposed to take things in.

i think of the time
i went to "wine bar"
with kathleen and then boyfriend
after they met
chat chat キラキラ
high stools and jitter jabber
and i smile and go to the bathroom
and throw up the last three glasses of wine
rinse out my mouth
and return still smiling
i don't think i stopped

my brain can't walk straight, as it could
my "great" memory is faint
get frustrated when something can't be comprehended,
when i know it's just located there
in the part i pounded down into my skull bone

is the moment all this SHIT happened not enough?
why must it shred twice
swallow swallow swallow

my body caught up, with all this reflection
throat and stomach understanding now
kashi was sick. so now they act that way.

my tooth broke.
strangely
i was surprised
i could
break.

day two hundred eleven : neither is real

july third is the test date
the veiled existence of me
sort of thinks i won't make it till then

but the slowly solidifying kashi
bala
hanahazukashi
is figuring out how many days are left
and planning out a study template

day two hundred ten : you're a purple irish fairy girl

i contacted people
some contacted me
i made a plan
and brought together ten people
from seven places

he's from limerick
i know before he sits down
he says "haech" for h
he says craic shite and guards
and i feel like shushing him
telling him not to speak the words
they are part of me
secrets slipping out of his mouth

i don't think i really realized
ireland exists here

but i do not shush him
i join in
and gab about uni, cows
and galway

after reiji bowed and said
「今日はありがとうございました！楽しかった。」
thank you so much for today.
i didn't really get it
and then i remembered
oh
it was me

day two hundred nine : this isn't my first spring training seminar

ice-breakers start off the meeting
groups of four
karl, nizar, sergio and me
jason joins us anyway

you don't know these people
they don't know you
there's nothing liberating in that
like there was 2,3,5 years ago

it's just there.

i pick 1 and 4 out of the cup
talk about something i learned last week
something i did yesterday
it is simple enough

i think about it hours later
realize
i didn't struggle to come up with anything
i didn't hesitate
i just jabbered

there is inertia.  there was something done.
this... simple task would have been impossible in january.

i talk about 4 and then 1
smile and inform
answer questions, make a connection, bond
guess the ice-breaker worked?

tonight, some 24 hours later
i know
i'm strong

easy things are becoming easy again
and because statements like that are terrifying
i add a
sometimes

day two hundred eight : early sunday morning

today i am softer
up and cozy gray
light pink

my nest shook
hard, fast but quick
i was still ten seconds
after it had begun

sleep
coffee time
don't want to cut it
but i could
connected good times
in the past, with friends, family.
what's the difference between
addiction and culture?

again. a very decisive shake
and gone

i open my yahoo website
to check
i had closed it after the week
thought they were over
both 4 on the J scale

perhaps it's too difficult
to label an end point
from close distance

day two hundred seven : 偏頭痛

henzutsuu i cannot remember in english
migraine
not yet
must prevent.
lights noise
movement

please slowly rock me
no
just pat me to sleep

no
too much movement
sensation
please rest your arm around mine,
around my back
so we can step away

day 206: i told her the shirt said peace but she didn't know the word

i saw the moon,

i was okay,

then i got kinda sad

because that meant something was over.

and that's when

i had to separate

my heartbreak for you

from my love.

over the past four months

they had begun to blend

into one and the same.

when my chest would cave

or stomach would ache

it was because my heart was having trouble

b  e  a  t  i  n  g  .

but maybe

(- and if so i only began to realized it
tonight

staring at the moon-)

it was also a way

to feel close to you,

to remind me of our love,

of how dear you are to me,

because i am in such pain.

i remember

the joy i felt
when i saw you

when you came to meet me

at that bar

i forget the name now

when my CELT course was over.

there was no pain there;

in me was pure exhilaration and pleasure.

did i find my way back

to thinking of you like that again? (or maybe begun to find such a way?)

a way that separates the heartbreak from my love?

today

as i watched the white

it was not laced

with hollowness.

i only felt

peace.

day one hundred and five : pass

its been raining since
i feel asleep
at four am

now classes are cancelled
red on the warning maps
storms
the earth and sky vie for attention

its all
a point to
check-in
you're fine?
no sun today. gray. constant fall

how will i fare?

day two hundred and four : ˈfætɪk

you taught me
that word

day two hundred three : 余震

the second night

my hand grabs for the ladder

i don't understand why its so strong, so lasting

getting rougher, still happening

minute later on my phone

everyone: "again?" "another?"

"worse" i type

we wonder whether it was stronger or closer to us

as the aftershocks continue into the night

i slowly crawl out from under my desk

creep into bed

4 am. am i on a boat?, city siren goes off

7 am. aftershock? or another one?

sleep is impossible. the land shakes there too.

the next night, the third night of all this

when my apartment suddenly shakes, then sways

for the second time that i've been lying down

tears gather in my eyes

i had believed they were stopping

my shoulders are clenched

my back is a fist, my spine inside.

the sensation is fine; the sensation is deal-able

the unpredictability, the suddenness

the abrupt chaos

is what is hard.

it must be very hard

to be an earthquake.

each unexpected screech and shove

shows me
bellows and struts

what life was like

day two hundred two : the sky & the ground

he calls and says
i am submitting your name
to be sent away

i say
i just got here
what did i do

he says
its a promotion

i said
dont you like me?
i'm funny.

he laughs.

it really all is
the sky or the ground

day two hundred one : there is no other way to reply part ii

printed
and she says

wow
you look kewl!
what was it for?

even someone who doesn't know you
gets us confused

i do not tell her
i just answer her question
of what it was for

day two hundred : day two hundred

really now
if i go on about the number
i am just pandering
to societies who use
numbers in base ten.
to social constructs.

if i keep making a big ordeal about every month
ritualize every 1/4 of a year
every 1st, 2nd, 3rd time

every defined segment of time that
pushes or pulls
you
closer or farther from
me

* i'd lose focus (.. or does it help keep focus?
there is a time and place for ceremony-
i do not know it.)

* i'd need more calendars
and cross-referencing materials
logbooks
countdowns and countups
widgets and apps

four months since i've seen you which equates to 22% of the time i've known you
which is x percentage of my adult life
counting from the day we met y days after i arrived, z days before i would leave,
g days too late,
h number of days i overstayed my welcome,
which i've realized from the k times i've regretted not leaving nL earlier.
[where L is some segment of time, and n is an integer between 0 to 712 inclusive]

all the dates and experiences and moon cycles and seasons
that i attempt to order into a formula of understanding and hope
scatter to meaninglessness
because Calculus II
was my worse class
in high school

day one hundred and ninety-nine : fridays at nogata eki

everyone around me at midnight in nogata station
is throwing up or about to
well
almost.
the smell-
every friday.

and all the men are smiling
crookedly, sinisterly.
the women relax their smiles
to frown at their feet
that refuse to agree
with their five inch heels.

normally i would not dichotomize so- but it is simply that.

it is unsettling
men all still in their suits and gelled hair, briefcases
but they are given free range to blunder and bubble about

the alcohol doesn't make them any freer;
they just seem agitated.
as if they were searching for answers in the evening
but are still left wanting.

usually when i've drunk in the past,
i smile
worry less
move with less reserve

but everyone
tonight
seems so
angry, annoyed

and as i pass an izakaya,
a woman waving farewell to a patron
who is falling over his shoes and bag
swaying toward the river,
i realize:
the greatest difference between the japanese and i
is not the language at all.
it is that i am not
so incredibly
miserable

day one hundred and ninety-eight : 地震

as it struck
i was not scared
it was exciting
n   e   w

i did wonder
should i run outside?
was never quite sure
when you're supposed to get to the evacuation sites.

aftershock 1.
aftershock 2, 3.
4, 5
upon sleep 6, 7.

sleep-
8.
and that's when it began to get scary.
realizing how much
the mound i've built my being on
is tenuous

i thought
i've put my trust in you.
why do you rattle so?
why are you not as strong as you seemed?
is everything really so
uncertain?

but really i question
so much more
than just
the earth

day one hundred and ninety-seven : praise

she talks about fulfillment
what she feels after she's worked toward her goal

i say "good job!"
and give her a high five
the teacher still in me
from an hour before

she says
"thank you! i need someone praise me.
when i was student, even if i did good on test,
my parents never praise me.
so, now, i need praise!"

i say
"growing up, my parents always praised me.
so now, i continue expecting it.
i feel like i need it."

i grin
to see if she'll understand
see how silly it all is.
she laughs and nods.

either way,
it is in us
to be ruined.

day one hundred and ninety-six : the stairs of kanada station

today

my body is quite

sore

its such a comfort

it means i've used it

done something

acted

i do indeed 

have a body

as i wait for the train

i climb up and down the stairs

for eight minutes.

there is a sweet pull

in my thighs and calves

each step

day one hundred and ninety-five : in order

i sit on my settee
(i have a settee now)
and stare ahead
everything is fine
i think of a few sorta hard things
to test me
yes. still fine.

i wonder why i feel fine.
when last night i'm crackin like crazy.
i am reading a book that holds so many answers
i am learning.
inside, healthy soy and seaweed
outside, warm nylon cotton clothes

eyes taking in
not a moment was wasted today
yesterday too

you said
when you are scared (sad?)
you have to do something
m o v e

i am

day one hundred and ninety-four : confetti

all the petals falling on the ground

remind me of the confetti i handed you

the night i left.

some days it is exciting:

the things taking place,

the encounters had,

the realizations founded,

the explanations dispersed.

today-

two moments-

quite different-

deluges of energy,

of elation and sorrow.

and i felt:

this is good for me.

this is me growing.

i had never felt so very much

like a plant before.

some days it is exciting,

and all the petals falling to the ground

are not miserable at all;

they are like confetti

celebrating with me.

day one hundred and ninety-three : everything here starts in april

of course

the first guy i become acquaintances with here

is dj-ing at a rave

tonight

my eyes roll to heaven

mother would not be proud

i turn right after the shrine

and there's my future 

i sit on one of the white leather couches

on the second story of yer man's 

hiphop-meets-vuitton clothes shop

closed for the night

as he and his friend -what? practice?-

mess with dials and tunes.

i play the girl card

social, composed cute

with yer man's girlfriend

etsumi

i think of the rave.

wonder what it will be like.

i think about you telling me about

the festival on my birthday

months before it would come; may, maybe?

somehow, will the rave make me less without you?

but capoeira starts tomorrow

the new year in april here

and i have been waiting eight weeks for 't 

for a moment i debate which will make you closer

until i realize i am debating which will make you closer

stop

recognize

realize

jot down

and try to find

some iota of personal desire

within myself

day one hundred and ninety-two : new skin

my cheekbones
have returned
thank goodness
i thought they were lost forever

my pimples
fresh monday
starved out
decaying away by friday

i am a snake
flesh falling away
new and pink
underneath

i stare in the mirror
caught
there is a shimmer of something
on my chin, my forehead


i wonder if you will ever see me like this
warm, skin a scratchy red peach
from healing water
eyelids, sleepily satiated

and as i take down my towel
my lightened curls
these ringlets
just leaving enough space
for me to see out of

i wonder
i do not wrinkle my forehead
with worry
tonight

day one hundred and ninety-one : facing the wind

i became a woman
late
i had already read the books
sat through the catholic workshops
witnessed the walks
of all the girls around me
change

my mother reassured me
as i looked down at my flat chest
it was good news
studies about
late bloomers reaching higher levels of education
not being loose nor getting pregnant young
it was good news
the body coming when one is more mature
and able to make better decisions about it
it was good news
it was because i was
thin
a word my mother said with adoration

i felt distanced
as the girls around me talked of pads and boys and making out
and the boys started to see me less and less like one of them
able to run and play sports with them during recess

years ago now
has it really been that long?
i still don't keep one
in my bag
like my mother did

the last six years
there's is always one night
when i feel my head will explode
and two days, one day later
there it is
a saddened smile of realization: that is why i have felt such fire
weep for three, four days
and then finally the feel of oh-so-bright

but the four days
i cannot two step forward and one step return
i am only a girl of twenty-eight
digging the soles of her feet
into the dirt
fighting the will of the wind
determined to send me back flying

day one hundred and ninety : being fine is a lack of passion

i wish 

i had never known

for a while

when i had decided i was a writer

nothing scared me

i would walk at night through unknown lands fearlessly

and think

even if i am disfigured, beaten, raped

i can just write about it

it will be an experience

it will be a story

maybe that is when i plummeted

when i realized i could fail

and be fine

sometimes i really wish it wasn't in me

to be fine

sometimes i wonder
how weak
how cowardly
being fine is

day one hundred and eighty-nine : 一人で

as i wait in line for the bathroom

a girl is eyeing me

there is always someone looking

but this is heavy

i don't look

wait in line, come out

as i walk towards sergio

the two girls my age,

the girl has recruited her friend,

come up to me and ask
to take a picture with me

かわいいいいから。メッチャ格好いい。

i say of course

they giggle

we pose

off they go

coming out of a sev

a man "where are you from" ing me

following

i can tell when they are harmless

he is not

i do my best to appear hurried

my new harp teacher

she is sophisticated

yet

can i say i am teaching you on my website?

can i take a picture of you?

can i post a link to your video?

and i recall an article i read

long ago

about how being a foreigner in japan

is like being a d-list celebrity

it wasn't like this in fukui

there were more foreigners there

had my group of eight, ten

but here

amidst photos, stalkers and braggadocios
if anything accentuates

i am so very much
一人で

day one hundred and eighty-eight : forest green

tonight on the train
a long ride
because i'm covering

sickness weighs down
every muscle
i set my alarm
for forty minutes from now
and doze

in between white phases of nothing
i notice a green jacket
same shade
dancing behind
the blur of my eyelashes

perhaps because
i just interacted with you
it does not seem odd
that you might be
right there
in the seat in front of me

my stomach clenches
and i strain to open my eyes-

a japanese man.
and the jacket
isn't similar at all
in cut

i accept
eyes closing again
for there are many more
minutes to go

day one hundred and eighty-seven : minus apostrophe t

it is simple sometimes

an automatic 

i cannot is the first line

then i stop and question

what the psych people say 

it really is automatic

what no one says

is how hard it is to be aware of

once notice

i can easily

scratch out the 't

as so

i can't handle all this.

really now

that wasn't so hard

was it?

day one hundred and eighty-six : something good happened. something good happened.

that i don't know where to begin
nor how
prose, poetry, blank verse
clarity or haze
devoted or distanced
for i am both


default in this situation is perhaps
overthink and worry

i had my brow furrowed for ten minutes writing all this
then my stomach jumped and i thought of the messages you sent

and smiled
i am so happy
i said out loud
and then was shocked at myself

maybe i had not yet accepted
that something good had happened

day one hundred and eighty-five : commune

us not communicating

was hard 

but i felt deserved

like i was being punished

like i needed my "timeout"

my "penance"

you sent me a message

unasked for

four lines

a nugget of your life within each

my body froze in revelry

in gratitude

then a picture
a little note
asking for my address

and an update

the next month passes with these


i feel
undeserving
overwhelmed
and frightened
i do not want to reply incorrectly
i do not want to FUCKTHINGSUP

i want to be kashi at her best
carefree, pleasing, sybaritic, enticing
flowy

but i feel none of that

can i pretend...
fake-till-make toka
dishonest, no?

you
thomas
i want to commune with thee

then i should start
i suppose