the more self interested I became, the more unhappy
what is that indicative of?

where do i see

What about you Kashi
I don't want to say anything
I don't want to think about anything
Please lose consciousness and don't wake with such sadness
Oh o fear waking tomorrow

Citog. Seeing you

Cry break
How OK sadness in world how often do you deal with this
Elaine stomach splexis
Breathing legs your room
Mindfulness calming

portuguese songs

day ninety-one : forty-five minutes later i thought of us

i looked at the clock
it was 9:08 p.m.
and we were thirty minutes into
Episode 6
when i looked at the clock again
it was 9:53
and i was both surprised and heartsad
that i had spent almost fifty minutes
not thinking
of you

Isn't it just an aspect of existence
That things get wrapped up in each other
I don't believe
It's a result of us doing something wrong
At least not all the time.



Mental health participation
Mother's lap

You lent me your room

day ninety : a place for me

Feeling
like I am perfect for something
qualified
knowledgeable

It is an odd feeling
I have not felt for sometime.

It feels strange, perplexing
but somehow, familiar,
in my room, in my old
accomplish-filled room.

I know
not to get excited
(as if I could)
but I still
feel
hope.

day eighty-nine : what does it mean, to be okay?

Something has been bothering me for a while now:
a banner with a message on both sides,
that even without completely acknowledging the content,
I believe cannot exist simultaneously.

That being okay means I must not want to be with you.
To be okay means I can't want to be with you.
To be okay, I must not care whether I am with you or not.
To be okay, I have to be okay with not being with you.
To be okay, I can't want you.

All different,
all carry slightly the same idea.

A reliance on you means I am not whole.
A desire to be in your presence means a lack of desire to be in mine.
The feeling you are a part of me means I am not complete alone.


Then maybe, perhaps,
I do not wish to get better.
If this pulse I sense, would wither,
to be without this thread,
I would be worser.

I would regret having healed.
Or worse, e'en worse,
I would not regret it at all.

How can I try to get better, if that means un-wanting us?

day eighty-eight : We twirled through air.

Dearest Thomas,
Hello.
Merry Christmas, Irish time.
I would like to call you tomorrow
maybe I will

I love you.
and I'd like to tell you
wish you
happy festivities
maybe I will

somehow,
calling
is what my soul wishes
i must think about
whether it would be good for yours

Dearest Thomas,
Last night,
I had a most beautiful dream.
I got to see you.
We were with each other.

For that dream,
for being able to see you again
much sooner than I thought,
I am incredibly,
supremely,
grateful.

day eighty-seven : hold yourmy heart

today
on the couch
suddenly
heart beats
quick quick

i try to dissect
can't figure out
why
my thoughts go to you
they just do

i hope
its not from thomas
i hope
he is not in a bad state
please he is okay

to email?
to call and ask?
no
no
just hold

your heart

day eighty-six : i am okay now

oh my
day three
not as calm as sunday monday
but still
quiet
are we on a three-day roll?

today
not every muscle in my face was tensed up
its a start

i am wearing cut-offs and a loose t-shirt
hair messy and green eyes
i lie on the couch
swing with iko outside
as we make carnitas
for his birthday

i am remembering
how much i am a part
of this unit
it feels nice
and is incredibly scary
how much i've forgotten it


i am okay.


for two weeks and three days i did not think i would be.
but sunday night, sleeping in my childhood bed,
yesterday, barefoot and grass and leaves,
today, swinging and cartwheels and stretching,
i am healthy again

it is beautiful and scary that it is so simple
beautiful that earth and home and reminder of me can work so many cures
scary that the mind can so quickly change
that, fie, it (may) still be on a spell now

but for now
right now
i am okay

day eighty-five : twelve dollar package

on Saturday
we tried to mail yourmy package
but the post office on the road trip
from Newton, Kansas to McAllen, Texas
had closed

noon, on Saturdays
for future reference

so today
Monday
away it went
twelve dollars, some tape, and a customs form
and the only things i could think about
for a week stapled together and folded

is there anything valuable in here?, the lady asks
emotional value, i reply
she chuckles; i wasn't making a joke
i smile anyway

i want to send you pictures
poems
emails
letters
information
but i will be patient, for now
and send things this way
s l o w e r
because the time it takes, ripens thoughts
because maybe more thought occurs this way
or maybe just
because i'm scared to push

if there ever be another chance
i will not blow it
by
moving
too soon

day eighty-four : open windows

lying on my bed
the cool
warm?
no
just air
no judgment

the air outside comes through the screen
i have open windows
distant cars
hums
light whoosh every so often

and my bed is
soft and welcomes me

i am starting to remember
my existence
i am starting to feel calm
for the first time in ages

its silly
but i feel your presence
maybe that's why
i love
the windows open
so you can reach me

i fall asleep
with the light on
feeling and sending
love

day eighty-three : stepping in with me

hello

i am tucked under duvet
the first time
since i was with you

today
was an easier day
because it felt
like you were with me

were you thinking of me?

when i stepped into my room
which i haven't stepped into for two years
i felt our past in me

everything in my room
is from two years ago,
from after my erasmus,
from high-school

i am a new entity coming in
and you are part of that

day eighty-two : shattered

my body is shattered

my words are gone

it must be quiet now

just wait

away i went
away
so much to think about
penultimate week of WHATTHEFUCK
soothe the sadness of the last week, accept some kindness toward me
i feel still apart
i feel still unhealed
thinking has not returned
since concussion of saturday dec 5
i hope it comes back soon
then maybe this will sound
a bit more
like a poem


it must be quiet now

just wait

something will happen, right?

its supposed to become all right (soon/again), right?

day eighty-one : please (come back to / wait for) me

it has been

a hard day

i stared at the clock

between 4:30 and 5:30 p.m.

6:00 and 7:00

trying to calm myself down

panic rising through me

sitting at the dining room table, on the couch, on the bathroom floor

i remember you telling me to breathe

i want to be strong

tears are falling and i am trying to be strong and it is getting harder to breath and

my chest moves

from convex to concave

and i become so scared of the

v

a

s

t

v

a

s

t

v

a

s

t

amount

of time

please remember me

please don't forget me

please let me come back to you, okay?

okay?

day eighty : we looked at each other

parents
an intervention
a what?
true.

why not?
perhaps, a failed marriage?
that speaks to them, you see
Catholic?
quite

so now they know something is wrong
now they know i am two feet short of a two foot rod

and they haven't a clue
and they try to tell me
you need help
you are sick

i have spent the last two weeks trying to convince myself
i am not
i am okay
you are not broken, said Elaine

my parents
try to tell me
i am

i wish you were here with me
for solidarity
to hold my hand as my parents say
but you cut yourself, that's not normal, sweetheart

i could really use
some of the knowing looks
we threw out towards each other
on the course

the looks i knew were so special
i gushed about them to donal
pleased at the connection i'd found

Day Seventy-nine : Rest Together

Kansas
Home?
You are mixed with everything

I will sleep and see you

day seventy-eight : my last-last night

you plopped down on me
cuddled in duvets

that's almost like
holding me tightly

my journey home
is okay oh-so-much-better
now

day seventy-seven: my last night in galway

on days like this

oh how i wish

i had left weeks ago

then nothing

parting would have been 

so much better

i know, i know

still strained

still us wanting but not being able to have

still us in gray, unsure

still us fumbling

but we would be fumbling within each other

i wish

i had packed up my life here

three weeks ago

instead of being

worthless

horrid

i wish 

i wasn't me

i wish 

you were here

and that i had never hurt you

and that i had never hurt me

or us

and you were here

holding me tightly

my last night

in galway

day seventy-six

cant think brain numb

hurt

day seventy-five

sadness connects
i feel like giving up

this

day seventy four

Today
Drums
Healing powers
Shamans

She tried to heal me
I told her when I thought of it all I felt hollow
She tried to heal me
I wanted to feel like she had

I am fuzz and ringing in my head
Tomorrow I deliver my letter
I am scared to death
I love you forever
Amen

day seventy three : keep gerund

Empty in my stomach but keep breathing

Empty in my legs but keep walking

Empty in my heart but keep loving

Empty in my faith but keep hoping 

Day Seventy-two: within

I told you once
I realized, I didn't have to have anyone lesser than you
I could be alone
And that thought was liberating

It's true
You can still be the love of my life
Even if its just within me.

Day Sixty Nine : At Long Last

I got here!

68

K at T's

67

K at T's
sans T

day sixty-six

i think
it had never been like this before
i have never been ready to walk away
but then i remember
i have
several times
when you were the injured party
weeping and attached
i could not take the heavyness

~~

last night
in your bed
i was scared
i dont want to say that
because it means something is wrong
not right
but next to you
black wings flapped

i cannot blame you
i have used such waxen wings before too.

i sleep now.
i cannot more now.

Elaine said
forget about it
it's hormones
you know that now

I wish I would have known that before
i walked to your house



To Write Out


edge, corner of room

some of us cut on the inside
(are you feeling dark or why) fun girl friend not good wife
hitting temple
kneeling on floor, can't give you what you need
fucking calm down, holding while saying you need to fucking calm down



love, female spirit/mother earth, daemon, not firefly now

65

k at t's