day sixty four : you are me

today
you met me on shop street
and walked with me
or maybe i walked you

we walked together
to familiar places
main roads and grocery stores
hidden paths and empty lots

and spoke of
missing working sheets
winning at life
sickness
dole work
anger
hurt parties (you compared yourself to Donal)
my mother's view
and lack of happiness

i was okay
through most
at the end i faltered
i so want you to be happy
but then it was okay again
cause i know that you,
you are me.

Day Sixty-Three : Dear

Dear
I love you.
I am in bed
Where we were twelve hours ago
It is familiar
It is mine and also ours
Your cup, soup, smell

Everything lately
So beautiful
I love you
Dear

62

T at K's

day sixty-one

Nov 11 at 11:28 PM.

Might not show it but i do think about you a decent amount of all of the time.

<cross street>

A lot better at stealing flowers from children than being stable for a day to five days at a time.

<arm linked>

one of the first things 

not want co-dependency thing

take that as ironic

also, (inner desire, voracious similar word)

Not so 

before also mentioned

60

K at T's

day fifty-nine : three of the last four nights

oh, right
this.
i've been too busy
being wrapped in his arms

58

k at t's

day fifty-six : front dated

nov 13

Today I do not like Japan
Cause it takes me away from you
It is taking

No
It's not you are
You can stay too Kashi

Exploration
Uncovering feelings under externalities ie
Silverware
Books and clothes

t at k's

day fifty-six

today i want to say is hard and talk about how much i want to hold you

then remember that i was four hours ago and to calm calm down

i am beginning to panic

about the 22 days left

until i go

tears fall 

without warning

as i plug in my laptop

i thought you would still be here

i thought i would get to talk to you about life

choices

i am so so scared. so so nervous.

and shaky

and tears pop out of my eyes again

as i put away the vacuum.

55

t at k's

i lie down in bed
cant see keyboard. wish i had learned the proper way to type.
instead, my hands jump over every which way
trying to find the right words
stumbling as much as my synapses

what if... i don't go to japan? i ask myself
as i cozy all up in bed
under yourmy purple blanket
under your sleeping bag i was lent
under my cozy comforter

what if... i stay here and go to school?
study psych? write my book?
become an anti-psych loudmouth revolutionary
study race and gender dichotomies being torn apart and

day fifty-three : thanks

Thank you
Can my poesy be only a thank you?
That's I've gotten to see
Your face
So much
Lately
Hold
Your chin
Covered in a beard you know I love

You are so handsome
I keep saying

I am so grateful
You passed by
Axel saw you
It was all real. It happened.

I love you.
I am so happy I got to walk with you.

Thank you, existing things. Thank you thank you thank you.

day fifty-two : whirlwind week

today
i am a whirlwind
not doing my name justice
not calm or cute or coordinated

just a massive mix of sadness, disbelief, appreciation and care
missing forlorn-ness malaise and exhaustion

wanting you and wanting to be completely alone
wanting to run for miles and not move a single muscle ever again

thrilled with the thought of living forever with you
and terrified of the same

51

k at t's

day fifty : we are waves

after the fourth

no

fifth time

i could feel you

still moving

against me

your body

continued

filling

and moving back

to fill me again

i felt the wave of you

against my parts

again and again

fell asleep to the sound

the sensation

until you re-entered, kissed me, and we rolled together again

49

k at t's

48

k at t's

day forty-seven

i don't want to go
i don't want to go
i don't want to go
i don't want to go

day forty-six : my rooms knows

the idea of moving
changes the head
the knowledge of moving
changes the atmosphere

my room feels
unsettled
slightly worried
anxious

i've said
i love it
over and over

but
it heard me say
that i will leave it
soon

day forty-five : our anniversary

and then it was you

opposite the road from me

i crossed a little more daring than i'd otherwise be

we walked side by side

for a few steps

smiles

and you asked me to turn around

i looked at a beautiful statue 

i'd never seen before

"are you running away!?" 

i asked

"yes!" you replied

i laughed

because i could hear your voice

close by

"okay, you can turn around"

and you handed me a huge, beautiful flower

it was more perfect than i ever imagined

day forty-four : attempting to organize

tomorrow i will have known you for a year. do you mind if i bike over after work? we can pay our respects to existence.

My mother messages me about flight. I take a bathroom break, make coffee. Write to you.

Things will be experienced, learnt. You and/with me continue through the maze. 

Day forty-three

Part of me shouts
Yes
Thank god almighty
It's about time

The other
Cannot comprehend
Hugging you goodbye

Part of me wants
To throw all my belongings into blackness
And board in your sweatshirt and pants

The other
Wants to bury myself
In every item you've given me
Shared with me
Experienced with me
And never move

Part of me desires
To explore
To escape
To unearth

The other
Wants to stay
A thirty minute walk from your bed
Until the end of time

No, not the other.
All of me.

day forty-two : your smile

as i speak
with my mother on skype
she says something sweet
a little sad
i smile
a half smile
and notice
lines around my mouth

looking at the bottom half of my face
i see you
for a moment
and throw my head back a few inches
then realize
its just me

but i've picked up
one of your smiles

41

k at t's

day forty

i am beginning to understand
the differences between
wanting to be with someone
wanting to be with you
and feeling lonely

i think that
i want to be with somebody
an non-particular
a lot of the time
going to the grocery
during coffee breaks
walking home

leah, you,
my mom, my cousin katherine,
iko, eddie, kathleen, my high-school friends

before
during all those moments
i thought i only wanted you

other times
it is you
simply you
who i want to be with

sitting on swings
cuddled in bed
making coffee in the kitchen
dancing and doing capoeira

other times
i am just lonely
just sad
at those times
i used to think i needed you there
wanted you to be with me
but i think
really
i was just
sad

day thirty-nine

as i walk
toward town
i look down
and smell you
off my chest

i forget
distracted
look down at the curb
you
again

all the way
into town
your smell
on my entire body

38

k at t's

the thirty-seventh day

i am nervous
bubbly
poofy

want to settle

last three calls with you
you've been a surface happy bee

there is a buzz
back and forth in my head




i have wanted to stop and calm and think and write to you and run and figure it all out
but first

i can sing to you
to remember, to remember
to play

to take your time
it'll be ok
be real, be you
sing
talk

communicate
to him

day thirty six

(yesterday)

i cried.
i had cried saturday night
i thought i would be able to
just
talk
monday

but i could not

there tears naturally fell
appropriately
timely

but i learned three important things

that i will ruminate on
in the future

this is the most i have ever been able to a person
aggressivesynonym weakness
listening to fairies

day 35

You called
And filled me in
I wanted to listen to you
Talk
Forever