i woke up and knew
its just distraction

stop following distraction
stop wasting time

just close your eyes and breathe
it would be time better spent

i miss your skin

i am doing something
i shouldn't do

shouldn't is one of those words
they tell you not to use

i am doing something
that does not help me grow
that makes me wade in mud

at least i realized it
minutes after
maybe minutes before

/tʃɛst/

day day day
be busy be busy
sigh
no point no point
crappy dream then good
then just school dream

imrpove heal get back a saint

I lord, want to, be a saint!
I shouted years ago.

if nothing
if i just stopped everything
this
texts to friends
letters to all
emails and calls
it would still take a while
for it to be realized

that is what it is like
without another
there is no one there
to nuzzle at night
or far away, check in with at night

there is not a soul
shared with you
you could be
gone for days

and it wouldn't faze
a one


i take metal stairs two at a time
and decide
this is not a life
not loving anyone

i am good at it
contrary to recent reports

eight years i've held someone close
even if it was a lesser being
it made life more than less


before that it was God
that would really just be easiest

i was trying to hold back

thrown caution to wind
you wont answer anyway
i might as well call

there is nothing to lose
there is nothing now

and just like that
we are not talking anymore
and just like that

stepped away again
and my eyes are too droopy
my mind too fuckin fucked up
my heart is mute

you said you wanted me next to you
you said your stomach wanted me next to you

nothing
true



oh
you answered

check yourself kash

sigh
(passive aggressive sigh)


sigh
(disappointment in self sigh)

breathe in and out
meditate

i don't


need you

i hope
calm

way more than that

online

not hiding

from things

(i'd like to say anymore

but absolutes

are trying to be trained and mindfulnessed out of me)

i am unweathered

thank the lord

when the blood comes

the emotions settle

because they are certain

there is understanding

if my love for things
i didn't previously love
begins

does the love i have
for you
lessen?

men scream outside my window
so much for quiet japan
it's not even friday
not even thursday

i left my back door unlocked
realised when home
walked through it all
checked
he wasn't there
i couldn't have missed him

i took two sleeping pills
the cashier asked me
if i knew how

i apply to help teens
for some reasons
need to jam pack my life
in case i am denied

I don't know why I stopped.
I suppose because, it seemed sure. Close.
Like a trial was over.

Even if there is more work to be done
even if things aren't perfect
there was a connection again

an agreement of mutual love




I like keeping logs.
I like keeping memories,
but this is something else as well
it is also stomach pain and distance
sorrow and longing

and I wanted to close up
that part of us.

But it does not close.
And stomachache returns.

There are times, I get really, really scared that the light is leaving.

Then I think of you, out and about in the day, in the sun.
And it is another world but it is still with me.
And you are in another world but you are still with me.

Thank you for the sun at night.

i think my first real friend
i made in college
freshman year

after sophomore year he moved
to Los Angeles
Marquette was not enough
for either of us

i wanted to make a book for him of drawings and quotes and memories of us.
i didn't.
i did for Timothy, Allan, Andrew, Donal, Yoshinori.
before they moved or away or I did.

i suppose we all have our mediums.

this is new.

written day 98