There are three things that helped.

Okay. A lot of things helped.

At the moment, I am just thinking of 2 quotes and 1 event.

One of the quotes was from my friend, Mari in Japan.

She said:

But, why are you crying? Because you talked about things yesterday?
But between last week and this week, nothing has changed, right? You are still in the same situation.  It is your thinking that is changed.

(is this poesy?)
I had learned eighteen types
of incorrect thinking
and yet
somehow
this made the most sense to me

the main point
nothing had changed
it's me that changed

it's me that decides what is
by my thoughts

the last week
i've been quite down
and today
i had a terrible encounter
but the last five hours
i've felt great

and i rerealized how true mari's words were
nothing has changed between me and you thomas, since two days ago
when everything was gloom and deep sorrowful eternity.
now i feel great and pleased with being alive.... and also... being in the same country as you, being able to communicate with you, and see you once in a while

but it is my mood
my view
that changes my feelings about us and love and life and everything
how terrifying and amazing and valuable
to know this


remember remember
it's you that decides

i do what you suggested
ten days later
sadly admit

it would've been better
if i'd done it earlier
i need to take this
more seriously

into wilderness
into the void
release
empty me


you know
i do like me
i just need to
be angry

II xxxii i will heal you and not me, okay? nonono ahhhh a title in progress

i am in a state of mess and ask a favour from you

oh

you are in another realm

automatically, i notice

i am determined, able, and focused

let's get him out of there!

how to encourage? what would aid?

i am so optimistic of what can be solved and accomplished

so that you are not feeling that way

wait a minute

i needed someone to be sad? to be better?

i needed someone to be sick? to feel healthy?

i needed someone i recognized i loved to need help? instead of me?

oh no, i think

here is something else

to work through

i hope you are okay

(spend that hope on you! you shift focus...?)

(confused when feelings are "wrong" but there... and i do care but maybe i don't care about me enough or don't want to think about me or feel trapped in me but don't see others as trapped or- )

i hope we are okay

i'd never felt-

i heard other people say-

but never me-

till recently

oh i am the bad

stay away from me

i am contaminated

i will bring hurt

maybe briefly

in height of an episode

guilt over the lack of control

i am hurting someone by not controlling self-

briefly.

but this is

now

drawn out

a

oh i stay away

i have problems

i am emotionally unwell

i wasn't lying that day

i thought i was fine

but it seeped to you

i was okay 

alone

after

i am grateful you talked through things with me

talked

asked me to talk

exchanging

figuring out

but weird maturesadist thoughts

maybe i should walk away

i can make it alone

this night isn't that hard

if this is pounding on him

not worth the talk through

i can handle this one

this one is conquerable

is that considerate?

am i growing up?

or is that a form of selfhate?

are those thoughts of independence bad or good?

the

last few days

h

e

a

v

y

if i share

i add heavy to you

if i call, ask help

i add heavy to you

i tilt head

consider

growing up

independence

fending for self

consider

maybe it shouldn't even be linked

bad occurrences and reaching to you

that that pattern

never should've been sewn

calls to you for love, not distress

consider

i can handle it

and that is not sad

consider

progress, hurdles and striving

how to get from A to B to C

i am myself again and okay and proud of it 

distress gone? tamed.

half an hour later, mind clean, room clean

i call to ask how day

i am singing

i am good spirits

straight to message

i know i am okay

because i do not feel an ache

tupperware

a moment

its ok

as long as i keep everything

in it's own container

no emotional messy conglomerations

it used to be

when i wasn't in control

i'd reach

now 

because i am in control

i know i can 

reach

i am so tired
i have been back sore
ache limbs
over a week
fluctuating in place and intensity

i need to
copy messages
write space emails
write volunteers emails
draw dailies
sort pile
process panic attack
journal me
journal improvement/introspective things
process youme
arrange meet ups
two month album
two month check-in
mediatate/breathe
stretch out me

all for tomorrow

the one things i won't put off
is my care for you

quiet

my body is racing running laughing juggling swording guarding eating drinking fending changing waiting standing dancing reading sitting


but my mind is




quiet

last bus to dublin

in head

in head

soft

think of the space

within walls

think of the space 

of us.

in head

in me.

i curl up

on two seats.

k at t's

last two on paper to be uploaded soon

shaken
today

i know what to do when this happens

remember that you love me
remember that moment two moments ago when you smiled
remember earlier in the day, listening to your music, you helping me find a place
for our creation

and then remember
bala probably isn't ok with bala
and worry is something
to take away focus

naked
in bed
feels odd
without you next to me

if just simple
as today

sipping wine
our skin
sweets

light finger brush

quiet
calm

it would be
ok

II xix

i didn't mean you shouldn't work hard

just that
it's ok

to rub solution on your feet

working on me

thinking of you

thinking of me

i hang more lights

rearrange posters and necklaces

breathe

and wait

so that means

i be

II xvii

it was good

i get scared

to think about it too much

it might crack

saying goodbye

you held on to my sweater

after i had let go of holding you

so i knew everything

was okay

i work work work

plan with bernard

talk with virginia

fill in forms with donal

and drink sweet chili tea

and let it rest nice and warm inside my tummy

cozily next to this mornings feelings

warm inside my tummy

k at t's

i thought so much of you
i got scared
i was getting sick again

i won't depart
i'll figure it out

you told me
what it was going to be like here

i heard your words
all day

want to hold you
want to know you are ok

i think you are okay
maybe more about me?
miss

but
ok
breathe
so much
to do

lots of people say
lots of things
maybe i actually shouldn't talk about it at all
therapists are wrong

case they have own agendas
and try to rip at me

i was clasping hands with spungo
you passed
that is the last i remember
then it was me
and others
and we walked out of the aras.

i was proud in a way
i did it. i socialized. i wasn't dependent.
and when talk amongst the lads with lads got crude,
smiled, sleepy, said goodnight.

followed. was straight forward.
no one for me.
he understood. i was straightforward. we talked. and i walked home.

people try to say
opinionate
too many
today

but own agendas
i don't trust anyone anymore
but me and you
and even then
maybe just
the calm versions
of me and you

oh
i saw jimmy
and then spungo was there

and we said a few words

and then kept looking at each other after

not uncomfortable

like we were trying to unravel the past year in our eyes

and ken
and

all the people
who at one time
with you

who at a certain time
saw me love you
saw you love me


and then... they are here.
and i am standing here.
and you. are. here.
and i tilt my head

and wonder
what is

today
stay in bed
head ow
period ow
back ow
ankles ow

i smile

head try think can't
stop trying

smile
within

sleepysleepysleepy
tea in tummy
bed

close eyes
hello

different moments today

i thought could be

the contents of the day's poesy

but then i went downstairs 

to refill my tea

before writing this

saw the new kaya i bought

spooned some on a piece of soda bread with an "eat me" post it on top

dribbled some tahini over

for an adult pb&j

took a bite

and froze

first

the taste 

brings in cold crisp early winter

me in my soft jeggings
you had tried on sans underwear
cold crips early winter

but a warmth on my body from

touching it to yours

raisins

i didn't like

in hearty bread

but somehow tasted nice with the drizzle

a plate

full

four pieces of toast 

cut into square pieces 

to be shared 

by you and me

sitting half in 

the sheets 

of your bed

i exhale, unfreeze

second

the ache

it is not now

stomach closes,

despair close

third

inhale

recovery? you? the strong part of my spirit? goodness? something soothes my heart

i send love to you

continue to chew

continue to breathe

fourth

write

neck burns

wait

fifth

continue to type

II vi. i made a space. it is soft here.

the bed seemed
too stuck in that alcove

i moved it out
we held each other there
you know

moved my desk into the space
but the light didn't reach
ok for computer
not for old age art

today i move out my desk
stare at
that empty space
and what can i create?
what can i create?

but in my mind
in my skin
in my abdomen
i've known

two thick bed blankets
one sheet
one scarf
two pillowcases
two sets of fairy lights
and
me and
myour purple blanket

i pin a transparent pink curtain at the opening
and
rest

II v. over water

i ran

i hadn't for two days
no cosáin
open day

was scary for a second
then thought
hell no
i wont be
dependent

so laced shoes, out we go
home shower
out with wet hair
cold
but sweet

is fall here?
almost?

you are with me
as i flow my arms out
the wind
blows movement
through my core

across the bridge
my arms are everywhere
and i follow the water
a lovely quiet path
away from weekend bustle

what -bagua?
surfaces from memory
and my arms shoot out
and pull in
what -energy?

i find the tree
we sat in
wow
what -less than a year ago
oh wow

where everything was mended
i felt such relief
such love
i was wearing something cozy that day
or else, it was just the feeling

i fall asleep in the tree's branches
and
it is not poesy
not a wish
nothing but truth:

you are with me

II iv reading one another

i do not pull you close

you do not pull me close

we just come together

both so careful with the other

both so slow with the other

i think of the first time we held
each other

after the dancing

and remember that

it felt sort of similar

measuring each other out

noting the reaction before filling in
us
just the right amount