II.iii

he asked my how my day went
i was already smiling
great. so great. such a nice day.
i am happy

get distracted. was making dinner
housemate 3 hours
wine and speaking
listening

i thought
back of head
when i realized what was happening
where is thomas?
i am okay.
does that mean i don't really care about him?

(i know this is illogical)
(doesn't stop the feeling from coming)

and i try to be okay with the me that is being okay with (just) me

and i forget again and it goes out of my head cause i am
immersed, involved, part of the discussion

later
preparing for bed
opening laptop
to complete the poesy for today
i feel heartsad
i wasn't more heartsad today
know it doesn't quite make sense
do not reprimand
decide to think about tomorrow

why i think okay is not okay
what is independence
what is need/love/you and me

i will figure it out
tomorrow

heart you
night

year two day two

count count

lucky lucky

all the things

grateful

sitting in a car

when it darkens and rains

white witch by my shoulder

grateful grateful

all day

red and suffering

smile and laugh

the sun is crisp

amidst the spits

is this code?

it doesn't matter

move along talk chitchitchatter

feel feel

you are right there

and i am here

and i am doing

and you are doing

and i race about all day

my shoes worn two hours through

of movement and space and time and you

achoo goodnight adieu toodaloo

Day Three Hundred and Sixty-Six or Year Two, Day One

there's no way
i didn't get off track

there's no way
i didn't mess up numbers and dates

but,

i didn't.

september 28, 2015
i wrote on the inside of a tea box.

365

thank you for meeting with me today

washed grass, you and heat on skin

the week leading to

the ocd, the control, the desire, the clasp, the need

all tried to make me worry, tried to make my mind configure

but i, my brain and not the worry, knew

no rules or preparations

wake sew jot but don't stress on dotted i's

an unfamiliar calm

there is nothing that must be done or said

just washed grass, you and heat

day three hundred and sixty-four : the valentine card

i never wanted a tattoo

i always thought i would get bored of the same design

want something else

i thought i would get annoyed with the permanence of it

then i was with you

you see 

i’ve never wanted something

c o n s i s t e n t l y

for this long

363

positive procrastination

marlis said

wow, marlis

you know 

i had lots of friends

good strong friendships

i had boyfriends but

it was like the last group

on the webpage you sent me

i was that

with him? life is fine

without him? life is fine

at first i thought it was romantic

this idea

that i never felt so much for someone

until you

maybe other people see it 

as a sickness

day 362 : your long sleeved black shirt with orange and yellow and dragon

maybe i should have

kept a piece

maybe

the long sleeved black shirt

to layer over

my shirt and tunic

now

i had forgotten about cold

it is creeping up my spine

pressing in on my shoulders

i push out my chest 

to fight back

i thought

you see

my thinking was

something of

these are pieces

from before

these are pieces you left in my room

or i donned in yours

and maybe

i am working on myself and

i need to be okay

with just my shirts and sweaters and things

and not be holding on so tightly

i wore that black shirt a lot

i thought

you see

my thinking was

something of

there was a lull, a pause, a healing

a wound to 

not stitch up but

to let dirty, wash, to stare at

and then light layer, medium layer, heavy layer of skin

grow.

maybe things should be placed back

before they're picked up again.

maybe it was too full of power

the things that touched your body

and me holding on to them so much

meant i was still clasping

even though, i felt i was okay

it was almost

that holding onto those things was

a lack of trust.

it highlighted a fear that
things would not be.

they were physical. real.
you had taken off that black shirt in my room. it was on the floor. you didn't put it on when you left but you put on your mismatched socks and it happened it happened
 you loved me 

you love me

and if i know that

i should not need your shirt.

it is yours. to keep you warm.

day three hundred and sixty-one : reverie

oh

a friday, a friday

oh

one month here

i have seen you fourteen days

it is just in me

to know

oh

we have kissed

360. i said the necessities : thank you, i love you, have a good day, hope you feel better.

turpentine

makes the head pound

it was lighter in my head before this.

i woke up smiling

i didn't have to jump up to something

there wasn't guilt

because i knew, i am supposed to be getting seven hours of sleep a night.

more of me and the coze

sun through my slanted window

at your house i slept for almost an hour

why did i wake? maybe i sensed you getting home

maybe i just heard voices

i felt fine there on the ground

but the bed, yes, made me feel all of my weight and i fell into your body's case

woke at half two

right before three

right before four

around five

and lightly waited in a sort of sleep

after i dressed, made the bed, walked down the steps

i went to your body, and your breathing was deep:

the two different sounds you make in sleep

a whisper and a dragon's rumble

were 

as

i 

remembered them.

i wanted to stay and listen

truly feel that i was there

and remember the times i woke during the night or before you in the morning

and heard your purr and moan

your satiation and need

your contentness and your drive

your exhale and inhale

remember, feel, and experience 

the dichotomy of you.

your embrace and your shudder.

as i ran to salthill

your breathing kept time 

with mine

day three hundred and fifty-nine :

when i was holding you
japanese style

my chest touching your back
my arms wrapped about your shoulders and chest


there
that is where my mind goes






during study time
during worksheet time
during self-development time
i'll make my mind consider the rest, ponder
but i think it says a lot of my default mindset now

that my mind rests on
the peace

K at T's

day 357 : sheen

today i met a girl

and we played around instantly 

it wasn't an instant click

or understanding

that i've had with some people

it was an instant acceptance

and willingness to share and trust and go

she is like me in a few ways

but mostly different.

we had a great evening

yoga, beach, waves, kitchen, cooking, grins, opinions, knowing

and then we said goodnight

i am okay now

i am fine i am healthy

but throughout the evening

my heart echoed sad and echoed joyous

& then i realised

i have, still, so much more work to do

day three hundred fifty six

i must get back to how i was before
when even days i didnt feel like saying something, writing
when stomach hurt or brain didn't work
i still did



i love cosain
what it is now
i love our volunteer group
and virginia
i like doing it all

but
it's definitely not as fun
without you.


at 1 p.m.
as we started digging into ourselves
i thought
i need to run away

but i stayed.

two minutes, four, eight minutes later
the same thought.

but i stayed.

it helped.

i could end this poesy two different ways:
"but i know it would've been nicer
with you there"

or

"and it was ok
then
by myself"

i wish you were around today

i hung out with dan all day
minus three hours in the afternoon
when i was tutoring one of my old brazilian students

we had been planning to hang out sometime last week but
i got called in to work
so
today.
and
it felt like
bad timing then
after our parting friday.

i got
scared it would look like some defiant act
so for my sake at least
its worth noting, it was planned before.

i know it doesn't need to be said but
actually, i don't know that it doesn't need to be said.
that's why i'm saying it now:
i don't like dan in a romantic/partner way.


i don't like anyone else in a romantic/partner way.



i haven't liked anyone else in a romantic/partner way
since you.

day : words about the relief of laughing

a few days ago

i thought about lemon vodka

you and a neighborhood clearing
the scissors in my bag
your old bedroom with the door closed
wanting to cut your hair
but wanting to be with you more

i've always thought hair cutting intimate
beauty

i wanted to touch and trim you
desired it

but
you

and i could not pull myself away, even for this sacrament.

a few days ago

i thought about the lemon vodka we drank

the evening i was supposed to cut your hair

how giddy i felt
your vigor
how much we connected and played with our bodies
we still played with them clothed then.

it was easy, us. it fell into our hands.

i wondered what it would be like to drink with you again.
if everything would be much too tense and outlined and ordered
if drinking was to be something i would do alone, or with acquaintances
if drinking was something you could only do with housemates and friends... and not me

today
bliss

and after we left the forest
satiation
acceptance
peace

for me at least

then rockier and greyish
but we kept moving and candlelight and warmer
we bought more drinks by my old bridgemill stand

and we shared quick pieces of information
cute deciding banter
we came out, and i was drinking, can snapped.

a few hours ago

i thought about the lemon vodka we drank

you said something with a hint of something serious
i cracked a joke
cause my brain didn't know enough not to
it was too liquidy
i instantly felt fear throughout
you shrugged talked on
a few moments later
you were grinning and i was smiling
i felt relief

we are walking through a crowd
a narrow space
an evening

and my inside is smiling
we are doing this
we can share other parts of ourselves too
multiple layers

since i've gotten back
i reknow i can be serious with you
i reknow i can be playful with you

but oh-
it's so nice
to share this easy free fuzz with you
too





post script:
i am not sure what happened
when we separated in the museum
you described it a bit

no matter what occurred
what happened friday night gave me hope and relief
and confirmation
of how we
can
be
and how we
can be
in other conscious states too
how it can also work
when we are different versions of ourselves

i'll just know to give you space at intersections

things with housing
didn't use to be hard
i lived with my parents for 18 years
the same house for 15, all i can remember

now
i shudder when anything happens
everything was ok

a blip

maybe i run too fast

i went to my room
i walked calmly
i sat calmly
tears calmly fell from my eyes
as i felt but did not say

no one wants me
i do not belong in this house
no boy wants me
no one wants to be around me
i have no friends here

it is the antithesis
of last week

i recognize the period sadness
i recognize the housing sensitivity
i know my life is not over

but the feeling of not being in the right place
is inside my skin

she took five pictures of the mess
other four were paul's
one was mine
the pan from the cake i made last night
some cake still uncut

i hope/know tomorrow
this won't look or feel as bad

right now
i just cry
i made cake for others, for strangers, to share, to feed, to give, to do
and i get in trouble

why don't i just stand up
and shout back
i just accept and go

tomorrow i won't
tomorrow i say something
i am not the child here
i shouldn't feel all this shame


today
undercovers
cry
wish wish
i could call you

wish wish
i was living
in your room
with you

goodnight, thomas

i'd really like

to call to say
goodnight
to hear you say

goodnight

but-

maybe it's because

i was falling asleep in that chair

i felt oddly fine

drifting in public

i felt safe

surrounded by friends.

you there

in case i did fall into a deep sleep

i'd be ok.

i forgot i had couchsurfers

so after we said goodbye

i have to become awake

i heat soup and bread

bake a cake

drink tea and coffee and serve and chat and smile and social

now bed

reverie

you feel closer to me tonight than other nights

maybe because i started to sleep while you were two meters from me

i'm gonna try to 

revisit that position, that time

now.

i'd really like

to call to hear you say

goodnight

to say 

goodnight



it's ok
i think of walking
with you.

i wonder how
your evening went

i thought maybe i was sick

or getting sad

after town yesterday

come home

bed

nap middle of day

today come home

nap

back in town come home

bed

middle of brightbright day

then i remembered

period

sore sore breasts

please come over and hold them

massage them

i guess i can do that

or just let them hurt

ow

weird things

on my chest

the cup

it's here
to my left

i saw you
today

buzz


high




o

you're not here though

i was going to bake cupcakes

and then realized

i don't have

a cupcake pan

it is just like

that time

with you

around christmas

when we were going to make cupcakes

and i realized i didn't have

a cupcake pan

but we were fine

we played around in my kitchen

and baked a cake

i am fine

i dance around my kitchen

and bake a cake

i think
you'd like this song

this is

after

us, in the park
yesterday

i fear i am so unfragile : from a month ago

i am displaced

yesterday my pink couch was bought and taken

a day later, a new city

first night in a new house

four nights

and shinkansen back home

home?

I called out house in kyoto home today

hadn't been there more than two hours

I fear I am so unfragile

I fear I am, like my favorite character,

too

adaptable

then two nights

two crazier nights

then my bed is a window seat from Seoul to Abu Dhabi

from Abu Dhabi to Dublin

then an unknown room

still no arms

my arms are sore

i DO mark the days
in my planner

granted the last 1.5 years
the steady, predictable pattern
has gone haywire.


smiles for ten days
then a disappointment i let get to me
not as badly as i would have before
but a layer or two darker than should be
at this stage of me

the day of, lower stomach hurting
day after, breasts sore
today ankles and lower back

why is it still a surprise
each time

344

it was different

when i knew you had this address

but had most likely forgot about it

i

just wrote

didn't think of effects

now i don't know for certain 

if it is read, when, how

but once in a while you email me

a reply or a related some some

so i know it has been read at times.

as it is online and as you do know the address

it shouldn't be treated the same as a journal entry

at least not 

when a break

i'd like to take it down
this lapse of sanity

i'm not sure it was even read by you
but if it was, maybe it affected.

but the dystopian futuristic rebel in me
won't

1+1 < 1 and 1+1+1 < 2

i sit

between two housemates

we said two episodes and we'd go practice hurling

but the rain has gotten stronger

i don't really want to watch the finale

(i guess i thought we could

i think we could a lot of things)

but it's raining and it's 8 p.m.

we start episode 6

i'm a bit chilly. i take some of george's comforter. just my feet under. but cian is cold too. he takes some as well. i am in the middle. we are all under the same comforter. it makes me sad. it feels wrong. i don't want to be under a comforter with anyone but-

i think of you

i am fine

i am just 

thinking

there are things like being financially independent

feeding myself, learning to regulate my tears

i thought that's what you meant

when you said someone else cannot make a life

as i sit and feel heartsad

because you are not sitting next to me

because our bodies are not under the comforter together

our bodies bending around each other

warming our touching clothing..

as i sit and observe the others alive and interested in the show

so easily welcoming me in

how not heartsad i should feel

how much i wish i was doing this with you

i wonder if this is the kind of thing you meant

when you said someone else cannot make a life

head fuzzy
need to record
review

head burns
what

oh

&

youme
magenta cherry blossoms
& you blend
my feet & your toes

i turn left
see mirror & gasp
you ask what

we are

it is ecstasy

the lightest pastels

loosely falling around my edges

your shoulders firm

your body full, packed, brimming

i can't help but giggle

it is