stepped and it's you

i am eager and apprehensive

i would like to just stand there

for a few minutes

in silence

usually

i can believe you are alive

but it's nice

to see

sometimes its ok when we don't say things

whilst close

i don't feel like talking

but today, how we are, i don't think i can stand there

without words

it's like there's too much noise at the moment

for silence to be okay

well, not about anything immediate

i sit
m o o d y
on the bed
stare at the mirror

woe is kashi
think
i am not sad
about
anything

breathe in breathe out
understand static basic me has sunk a bit

static basic me was more content before
try to use that as, "see i can again!" not "i am sick again"

it's scary
how default it is
to sit
m o o d y
anxious
sad

ty
for talking

writing workshop
land of the living

go
go

everyone eats and smiles and laughs and talks

even 3 of my 4 housemates

there is a sadness in my belly but i knew it would be there

so that helps a bit

it's been there for a month

so i'm used to it a bit

i think, i am healthy

this is good for me

other people

continuing on

even though

you aren't here

but

when everyone leaves

i still cry

i know that whole

concentrate on what you have thing

working on

The determination.

I told virginia I was joining the living.

A few days later i drew it out.

Now, what?

When I met with Virginia two months ago,

well, i've told you this

i talked to you after the conversation

we. talked. do you remember? 

god!! alas!!

she said

"You have a, b,c d, e.

...what's the problem?"

and I "aha" -ed.

remember?

you nodded

I know

I healed in Kitakyushu.

But coming back

has brought challenges.

Why, if I am healed?

How did I get better in Kyushu?

The thoughts changed.  The outlook changed.

 The determination.

But the habits, the city, the situations, bring back challenges I hadn't played through.
The problems I was living when I left.

But a year later

I'm able to combat those challenges,

while before, I fell to them.

I admit
I expected
far less
challenges than have appeared 

but
hey 

I'm able to fight.

no but really actually fuck
cause last friday then
yeah
what the hell
then
yes
falls right into the pattern
feckin cobblestone that feckin pattern
of two, three days before the menstuation i get
bad
mad
well hell
last friday i thought
hell what the fuck why why why
and then sleeping in the park because why the fuck am i this

clockwork

two days later
blood pours out of me
one. whole. feckin. week. early.
a.g.a.i.n.

and i was fine when it came less
but dear lord i will not one third of my life despair
one third pain
one third dancing
nonono

the day after i turned blind

on and off of oh 

in a way, need to weave

to fall back into line

i told virginia i'm done with the supports

i just joined the healthy community.
week-long theatre workshop 10-4 daily

moved. performed. d-i-d.

then my body broke.
then my mind.
another dark night so

called four people

teresa answers and we talk, more, i listen, for an hour

then i fall asleep in woodquay park

a bird's song

woke me and i was cold.

hadn't been before, was in the other realm.

it urgently jumped on the fence

it seemed to care so much that i was there

it seemed so important for me to leave

so i got off the bench

to rest for a little

at yours

turn right
mirror
the skin under my eyes
shimmers

i smile
i'm okay

remember.. i put glitter on this afternoon
oh.
it's okay.
i'm still shimmering.


lie back
on the futon, comforter, duvet

in the mirror
i see
green sweater
a few inches of
my dark purple dress
navy tights
think
i look cute


think about

-how much i like
short skirts

-how when i was little
i wanted to wear chunky sweaters
and short skirts/dresses
and tights
but it was too hot for tights and sweaters
and my parents wouldn't let me wear anything short

-how i
finally
got to dress how i want
how simple it is, but how happy it makes me

and finally
i think about

how maybe
even thought it's simple
i can have/do/be
the things i want

and it will just take
time

thank you
.

k at t's

words.

i am here

i lie
naked
on my bed
shoulders up
back slide shaped
falls to my low low waist
i think
of looking at you
lying
this way
before we slept together
in the attic
of the psychologist's house

10
11
12
13
14

i write in my head
i'm scared
even here
even if you don't check
even writing it on paper

is a
  push

vigilant.

i think you know : part two

how to care for you

without taking on your emotions

is it still love?

it must be

is it

a maturer
love?

it it

a lesser

love?

what kind of love is this

i wonder

as i do 

do

my daily things

and think of you

and do not crumple

cessation

i look into the mirror

i am feeling healthier

study my skin
it seems extra shiny
almost bronze
it reminds me of summer in kitakyushu

when i was at the pinnacle of my health

i wonder how much the sun made me better
how much just being completely isolated
how much it was making a rule that i'd not call anyone during troubles
how much it was the steady work through in notebooks
how much it was being completely seen, d-list celebrity
how much it was that time stopped, and i could just
catch
up

wonder how
i can bring this strange toolkit array
to rosmeen court


i look in the mirror

i am feeling happier

study my lips
pucker them into a kiss
*little kiss* *little kiss* my lips move
and i think of you

lightly jutting your chin forward
kissing me through the air.

this is how it works
this is what it means
to not grab onto a new someone else's arm
to block out the emotions.

i've never felt
the aftermath before
there has never been a cessation
before.

i look in the mirror
and its confirmed again
there are many paths
i am not confined to this one
but it is the one i choose

i think you know : part one

you know

that

as i talk of

meetings, bank details

transportation, maria's yoga

writing and my housemates

i am simultaneously

conscious of your state

you know

that

as i laugh and giggle

groan and sigh

my heart is with yours

you know

that

as i continue on

living

(because i cannot stop)

(because i will not stop)

(because it would just be heavier, pressure on you if i soaked up the sadsick too, and stopped)

i am holding your frame

with delicate palms

feckin awesome

sometimes, i'm sad.

sometimes, sad & i will explode.

it happened a lot.

now once or twice a month, one or two days

before my period.

the night i cried about my house with you

i had a panic attack

lasting two hours.

as it was ending i lay down
amid unfamiliar blankets,

and tried to let my worry tire out

wishing for sleep,
eventually fell to it.

then my period came

a week early.

if i had known i was about to,

i think, i could've conquered it,
not gone into panic.

but
i had gotten used to not being like that
anymore.

i hadn't felt such frantic (angry?) helplessness

outside of PMS since January.

that scared me.

i couldn't be PMSing so soon.

oh no i am sick!

that made it worse.

i got scared
and i panicked.

but really
there was no need.

it was just the natural course of my system.

now i am

doing.
back in post-japan swing.

i have at least a good three solid weeks now.

maybe i can just

deal

with this.

if i don't have episodes anymore,

because i can
(1) pause things, (2) not immediately react, (3) stay calm and walk away,

(do you know? i am able to realize now

this emotion of sad/distraught/abandoned/helplessness/hopelessness won't last forever)

then
all i have left
to conquer this

is to deal with
this dealable chaos

4 days out of 30

hell--

wouldn't that be

feckin

awesome.

i walk in

lean on the desk

register volunteers

remembering you sitting at that desk

a year ago

smiling grinning

play pretending to help

me

sign up

you looked me up 

in the system

against the 

(very light

i'm healed now, right?)

soreness in my abdomen

i smile

i didn't put the october calendar up till
the month was half over
i kept thinking
another time would be better

september was long and experienced and felt
every time i saw you
every time i saw pieces of the country i'd missed
forgotten about

it all made me aware
of time

this month, today
i taped the month onto the wall

there's no way
i'll let this month
escape

II xxxvi. the second time

the first time i got

pricked? burnt? bitten?

by a nettle

you smiled in perplexed surprise

gurgled "i can't believe you just did that."

i laughed

because i hadn't known

what a nettle did

i had never encountered one before

this time

i was trying to reach a seed

under darker leaves

felt something rough but didn't pay attention

until the fire shot strong

i just said "ow, ow, ow"

even though i had registered the hurt

because i was dismayed i didn't notice 

you said "yes, there are nettles"

fourteen hours later

my right hand flickers fire

every few minutes

i think of what you said
"there are several things/meanings there"

it is good
i do well with physical representations
it is a badge, reminding me of my tasks

&

i hope the pain

teaches me

vigilance

II xxxv. 時間を気にしません

i hope you are okay.

i help by being strong.

after

the reverberation

was too loud

to say more.

then a week

still

a bit.

i don't want to rush

(i mean yes i do dear lord yes i do)

(but)

(might be best to not)

without attempting to understand
each movement.

to feel the after affects

hear the conclusion

before the prologue starts again

today i biked in the sun,

heard the beat release into horizons.