after four weeks, four fridays gone

the last time i wrote here i was thinking about
the different ways i could continue on
still focused on things i wanted to do
and still loving you
and continuing to until the day you could
answer my kokuhaku
with a yes


there wasn't really an answer
you made me soup
because you love me
and i ate the soup
and loved you
and felt loved


then the winter flung a punch at our abdomens
and strained times and dehydrated veins
tense necks
and for some reason

the lack of us got to me
and i cried before the intersection
and tried to cradle you with my words
sparking an email a day later
of i am not i cannot
and the "please don't make a no forever" chimes in my fearful, crisis-hungry mind

i sit back
body resting against the wall

feel my chest
remember moments of love
feel it burn
and know
the candle returns


and that is just
what is