day eighty-nine : what does it mean, to be okay?

Something has been bothering me for a while now:
a banner with a message on both sides,
that even without completely acknowledging the content,
I believe cannot exist simultaneously.

That being okay means I must not want to be with you.
To be okay means I can't want to be with you.
To be okay, I must not care whether I am with you or not.
To be okay, I have to be okay with not being with you.
To be okay, I can't want you.

All different,
all carry slightly the same idea.

A reliance on you means I am not whole.
A desire to be in your presence means a lack of desire to be in mine.
The feeling you are a part of me means I am not complete alone.


Then maybe, perhaps,
I do not wish to get better.
If this pulse I sense, would wither,
to be without this thread,
I would be worser.

I would regret having healed.
Or worse, e'en worse,
I would not regret it at all.

How can I try to get better, if that means un-wanting us?