day one hundred and three : please speak with me again

i am writing and no one will ever
damn it why are you not here cause you actually got me

and this is not a fucking fault in my thinking
or a defense mechanism or split/mirror whatever
or some sign of a weakness in ME

its that i cannot talk to a single soul
because they speak nonsense back
they look at me so confused
they ask all these questions that dont make sense,
that dont follow what i am saying

and i walk to the kitchen and muffle these heaps of tears
because you. are. not. here.
as lover nor friend.
nor confidant, what would be so pleasant right now.

you understood the words i said.

there is no one else.

no friend, counselor, nor lover.
i could explain and you could continue my thought
you would hear and bounce something back
it went somewhere.

here
i am so alone.
i want to talk. i want to mend and heal and connect.
i am trudging by myself.
trying all myself.
maybe
i should have stayed in ireland.




i appreciated, then.
i yearn so. much. for. it. now.

please, again. please let it be again.