day two hundred and thirty seven : cessation

today i woke up earlyearly got up early
train-ed 20 min walked 30

walked through the garden of children's book statues
i think you'd like them
can see you taking pictures of them

learned a new "eu conhece mestre bimba" song
think of you singing it

learned kicks, moves
played
want to practice outside class
wish could practice with you

walked three hours home
so i could think
statues, shrines, convenience stores, stares and smiles

tired after 2.5 but i see steps and climb
sit on the hill
stare at the world.
turn on my phone and take a panorama picture
i want to show you
dont know if i ever will

a notification of an email
from you
supposing that i may be waking up soon

my mind starts to leave all sun for so long midday

home i fall asleep on carpet
wake
red cheeks and red forehead
not bad
but like the sun is in me

water
rice
water
water

one hour, two hours, three hours
and i
damn it
i

cease

knives and buildings and rivers and jumping as i sit still in shock on the settee
the last three months
had been overall sunny
few showers

today breaking point
can you call it that if there is not leading up to?

i had not had chills
had not thought "i wont make it"
had not had a block
in my forehead
physical and visual
where the future is
in 5.5 months

today i break

i throw in all cards and towels
all my faith turns to tears
i curse myself my life my stupidity everything i have ever done wrong
curse my childhood and misogyny and wanting to be iko and my religion and every time i was left out of the know
mourn john su mourn miss p mourn pr and curse academia and wisdom and everything that makes me feel i am different or special or smart or expected from or worth something

and shout
i give up
i give up
i give up
silently

it comes from everywhere and nowhere and i cry and cry and hyperventilate and hands abouve head and paper bag and no one is helping me breathe this time and i am breathing

i sit on the settee.
i do not want to die. amidst all the visuals at least i've learned that about myself. you helped me see.
must reach. do not want to even hurt self.
email to best friends leah and kathleen (emer thinks i am happy.. cannot ruin that)
email to kevin w from college, theatre & honors program colleague. can connect to both parts of me.
email to (against some reservation) elaine.  but i remember her saying. ireland is only a call away; i'm up at all hours anyway!

i am not screaming my head off

but i cannot think of tuesday. of my job. of the next home i will have. i have to continue. i cannot see myself anywhere.