315 and understood more, all the different parts and feelings that make you you

i came home
moved around
scared
cooked cleaned showered cleaned
restlessness i can't rid
even after an hour of exercise
tomorrow two

i pack a box of winter clothes and a bag for the second hand shop
it takes an hour

my mind won't quiet
i sit at my desk chair
and cry


i want to reach for you
i want to pull you close to me
into the middle of my chest
where your chest muscles
fill in the spaces around my bends of parts

why oh why

at one time
you were happy about my return
will it cycle back?
if it doesn't i have to be okay with it

at one time
you cared
you spoke of doing me endlessly

then we calmed
quieted
but at that time
you were still pleased
talked of picking me up
of flowers
of after

now i feel like
if i would pass you on the street in a week
you'd walk right past me
your face pulled back in distaste.
eyes glaring.
your eyes have looked at me with such love

i wish i didn't see anything as final.
i wish i didn't see today as: today he doesn't talk so we are never communicating again.
i wish i saw it as just a characteristic of all the minutes and days of life gathered and shuffled and thrown about onto the grounds.