feckin awesome

sometimes, i'm sad.

sometimes, sad & i will explode.

it happened a lot.

now once or twice a month, one or two days

before my period.

the night i cried about my house with you

i had a panic attack

lasting two hours.

as it was ending i lay down
amid unfamiliar blankets,

and tried to let my worry tire out

wishing for sleep,
eventually fell to it.

then my period came

a week early.

if i had known i was about to,

i think, i could've conquered it,
not gone into panic.

but
i had gotten used to not being like that
anymore.

i hadn't felt such frantic (angry?) helplessness

outside of PMS since January.

that scared me.

i couldn't be PMSing so soon.

oh no i am sick!

that made it worse.

i got scared
and i panicked.

but really
there was no need.

it was just the natural course of my system.

now i am

doing.
back in post-japan swing.

i have at least a good three solid weeks now.

maybe i can just

deal

with this.

if i don't have episodes anymore,

because i can
(1) pause things, (2) not immediately react, (3) stay calm and walk away,

(do you know? i am able to realize now

this emotion of sad/distraught/abandoned/helplessness/hopelessness won't last forever)

then
all i have left
to conquer this

is to deal with
this dealable chaos

4 days out of 30

hell--

wouldn't that be

feckin

awesome.