day four : forlorn, determined, seconds decide

i am reading about neurotransmitters

and their affect on

me

and trying to figure how much is mollycoddling

and how much is real

with these things

i suppose it is always a mix

marie

my therapist

my counselour

maybe my friend

would tell me to rejoice

when i wouldn't act like a ten-year-old

sometimes i felt ashamed

a girl my age

was telling me to rejoice

once

she put her hand on my back

and i started to cry

her palm

let

loose

every emotion and troubled moment i'd had

since i left the states 

and came to this unwelcoming

cold

stone

i am held

by this book

because i wrote it on a poster board

because it leads me to you

but part of me

doesn't want to get too tangled

in case they pull out a dagger later

sometimes people do that

out the windowdoor

grass and cool sun

ilios me dontia

my greek friend taught me

each time i look up from this book i am met by a different face

in the glass

terror excitement malaise spirited

i laugh when i get forlorn and think

"you were just so determined!"

i am beginning to know myself

to very slowly start to realize

the sad feeling this second, minute, hour

will not be forever

out the windowdoor
again my attention wanders

just time

just time

just a year

in the meantime in the meantime inthemeantime

get better

and with a pleasured disgruntlement

look away from the sun

back to the page