day five : you can swim with me

i am proud
because i didn't cry
but ashamed
this is about me
when you were troubled

when you are hurt
when you are not all right
when you are not smiling and playing with me
dancing funny steps
swaying and swagging
i want to help you

but that's somehow a sign of something lacking in me, right?
no! for how is it a sign of lack of character that i don't want you to be sad?

its just the weather, you said.
you've explained this to me before, i understand what you mean
just by the word
weather

i suppose when i am down
and my mother worries herself sick trying to cheer me
that doesn't really help me feel better at all
her worrying
makes me feel worse
inept. a letdown.

her being optimistic and inspiring
does neither
i am in  a  m o o d
i am in  g r a y  c l o u d s

as we step, step
cool autumn air
beginning of the season against us
i wonder if it is similar for you

you have told me
when there is tension,
my anxiety
feeds into you
you have told me
the scared, neediness
when you are bad
adds to pressure

but when just walking
does it-
wait-
you are speaking
you are  e x p l a i n i n g !

I. feel, hearing sensations

II. two feelings

III. physical state

and i have been allowed in to the pool
you are swimming in
given the rules and guidelines
tour and towel

i am sorry, thank you for informing me

it is a relief
to still be connected
to understand
the smallest bit
it is a relief
that you are
keeping me
privy
that i am here

it's not pointed, you say

and my breathing regulates.
i knew it of course.
i knew it.
but it helps anyway.