day ninety - seven : strong-explosive

i guess i should get to bed
but i will wake up in two hours
to wake my little brother
watch as he packs his final items
and then hug him goodbye
when the taxi comes to drive him to the airport

still
two hours sleep is something
especially recently

tomorrow
will be a test for me
see if i can follow this new schedule
not enforced from any other source
but me
a schedule to help heal me
to hold me
to grow me stronger

if i fail tomorrow
mayhaps i should change my flight to leave from mcallen
if i succeed
mayhaps i will email you
and ask for your pardon

thomas
i really miss talking to you
i think
if i wrote you a message about something pertinent, relevant, funny, interesting
you might respond, and we might be able to have a light conversation about it

but there is so much power in my eyes, my fingers, my mind
and there is so much energy and emotion and stretching
that it buckles into itself
to be strong-explosive or quiet

i don't wish
lukewarm love