day ninety-six : could i wait?

is it okay to
calm down/rest/relax
for a time?

i am trying to listen to the words i use and think about where they come from
what exactly do i mean when i rehash the words others use to talk about
downtime

wait
wasn't i so upset before
because i hadn't gone to japan sooner
in september or october?
then why would i delay now?

because
i feel so tired
i kinda dread going across the pacific
i am not excited
i see all the stuff i brought back from ireland
all the papers
all the pieces of you

and can't bear the thought of just piling it back into the suitcase
lugging it to japan
and continue it sitting
there
staring at me

i want to read through things
throw some away
keep some
write and think about others
compile notebooks

sleep

how long is two months?
oh. you are right. it could be long.

if i don't use it.
if i get lonely and sad
which has happened
doesn't mean it will happen again
but it has happened

will i regret it if i don't leave to japan in a few days?
maybe
will i regret it if i don't stay in the valley and DO go?
probably not

i won't have known otherwise.

...

could you forgive me?
if i waited?
i don't want to pack all my notes and journals up again
i want to reread them and dissect them
i want to pause

i know life keeps going
but my mind spin spin spins
and i want to work through things
think about it all
figure out WHY i did things
what it means
how i can change things
or keep some habits, or redeeming parts

...

you said if you are scared then do something
i was scared
of staying
as soon as i said i was going to stay
so i packed my suitcase
full

and there was a lot
i was shoving back in
things from you
i hadn't glanced at
since i packed them in my bag
in galway

i don't want to shove it all in
could i have two months
to step through it all?

am i allotting too much time?
would this be best while also
working 3/4 time?

we may never know.

...

thomas
once
i told you
whenever i think about going to japan i start crying
and you said
in a sweet, surprised and caring voice
oh well then don't go
you shouldn't go to a place that makes you want to cry

and then there were more comforting words
something like
you can go somewhere else
or do something else

but i was in a paused state
unable to clearly listen more
because i was tuned in on the part where you said
oh, then don't go
like it was ok
that i changed my mind