day one hundred and forty two

there are so many pieces of things
i cannot understand
or know how to try to understand them

i know i want to be something for you
but i dont know how wrong that is

i know i was to be special
but i don't know in what

i know i like to act and juggle and i loved playing with children today
i know i didn't once feel like it was the first day back
it felt like i took a few weeks holiday


i wonder how bad it is that i can lump huge amounts of time into nothing
forget whole years, segments, people

i get scared how much out of sight out of mind is

i know i want to wait for you
i know i loved you more that i have ever felt for anyone
something more than love
a knowing
i have.. been with you in a manner i have never existed with another person

i know i get so scared it will amount to nothing to you
that just as all the sudden i was the world
all of the sudden i will cease to matter to you

i know that i would rather be with you than anyone
i know that i would rather be alone than with not you

but i do not want to be alone
i get scared and in panics
and dear lord it has only been two months

two months on sunday
add three more days today

how much have i grown?
some
introspectively
but my body? have i treated it well?
my mind? does it think better?
and perhaps more importantly
my purpose

because as i wrote about
my happiness should not depend on me waking in your bed

so the most important thing
something to live for that is not your arms

but i only want your arms right now
can't that be my purpose?

you cannot take me till i can exist without you, right?
well i have gotten to that point

now is it that you cannot take me till i have a happiness that is not (only) you?
that i look for now
though it seems a much steeper task