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realization 459022 i attempt to control everything affecting me
fine, a lot of the things.
even catastrophes that will occur
part of that is self-preservation
part is a belief it will lessen the blow. maybe it actually does.
but perhaps it is nevertheless wrong.
segmenting pieces of life up and arranging them to suit oneself.

and amidst this
and emails and journal entries
all quite
low/deep/hard/tear-inducing/growth-hoping/reflecting/determined determination

i notice my hips swaying side to side
in my desk chair
what the hell
what are you doing hips
why do they move so

ah-
the song i learned today
is playing a centidecibel away from soundlessly
within my core

and i instantly hate
that my body is practically dancing
as i type sadness and teary hope on keyboards
and i am extremely joyous
because maybe that movement will help me
when the catastrophe erupts

someday
i will understand
how i can hate and love
how i can want to stab and want to nurture
this determined, annoying, strong, and pathetic gunk inside of me
making my hips sway