i love you

you are in my mind all day

but i push you to the back

does it ease the weight some, if i tell you that?

i hope so

either way it is so

my last day at my school tomorrow

i want to sleep

i am so tired

period three times in the last 6 weeks

who the fuck. knows.

i've been back on facebook for about a week

still at a distance

eyes wide

so

tonight i indulge

give myself an hour, and go through photos of a friend who got married

she married a girl

i had no idea

i feel a little hurt, i am not sure why

then, another friend's celebrations

college friends, all marrying each other, same clicks

(i try not to judge but sweet and pathetic enter my mind...)

(i fail)

everyone is a lot fatter than they used to be

this makes me happy

(which it should not)

i try to ease my guilt at this silly happiness

by reminding myself that they are probably much happier than me

without weight and so many shadows and chains

that makes me feel a little better, strangely

after all the nonsense and nothing float in my head

and i remember why i told myself to stay away from this

after EDNOS and BPD left

OCD still has much control