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i sit

between two housemates

we said two episodes and we'd go practice hurling

but the rain has gotten stronger

i don't really want to watch the finale

(i guess i thought we could

i think we could a lot of things)

but it's raining and it's 8 p.m.

we start episode 6

i'm a bit chilly. i take some of george's comforter. just my feet under. but cian is cold too. he takes some as well. i am in the middle. we are all under the same comforter. it makes me sad. it feels wrong. i don't want to be under a comforter with anyone but-

i think of you

i am fine

i am just 

thinking

there are things like being financially independent

feeding myself, learning to regulate my tears

i thought that's what you meant

when you said someone else cannot make a life

as i sit and feel heartsad

because you are not sitting next to me

because our bodies are not under the comforter together

our bodies bending around each other

warming our touching clothing..

as i sit and observe the others alive and interested in the show

so easily welcoming me in

how not heartsad i should feel

how much i wish i was doing this with you

i wonder if this is the kind of thing you meant

when you said someone else cannot make a life