i'd like to take it down
this lapse of sanity

i'm not sure it was even read by you
but if it was, maybe it affected.

but the dystopian futuristic rebel in me
won't



please pleaseplease
i cant i cant i cant
i am breaking and i am lost and i cant think and all is fuzz

damn fuzz so often fuzz

please everything okay please please everything okay

now i remember why i bought that second phone dear fecking jesus

i couldnt hear so much
i know it's annoying when i ask what
it even bothers me
breaks the moment

my heart is aching
actually physically damn the boy who cried wolf
help me someone help me
my eyes are closed it is so bad
coughing coughing

i will break
i will wake everyone
no it is ok i can type
it is ok if i sound crazy
as long as i am not calling you in this state

worse now

as long as i am not calling again panicked
and scared
and wanting reassurance
and wanting to reassure

and setting you off

it is ok if i feel these things and cry and sad and feel
if can endure
i can endure
will be over

i love you, you know this right?
i want to touch you so much, you know this right?
i want to also touch you delicately and innocently, you know that right?
i could do that. i'd like to do that.
just show my love, and fascination with you, without the passion and the lust taking over -
it's what i was trying to make sure of
friday night
we did it
ish

you know i could be your partner, right?
you know i want to be your partner, right?
you know i wasn't with a-n-y-o-n-e in Japan, right?
i didn't even kiss a cheek

you know i've never been that chaste, right?
you know i did it because i love you and want to be true to you, right?
you know i did it because i realized what love was when i started to spend time with you, right?

you know how often i want your arms around me, right?
you know how many times in a day i want to hold you, right?
so close that we are inside each other
not even sexually
our bodies
clasping and breathing and one



you know
i could be the one holding you now, right?

you know my heart has never
this
much
right?