i'd never felt-

i heard other people say-

but never me-

till recently

oh i am the bad

stay away from me

i am contaminated

i will bring hurt

maybe briefly

in height of an episode

guilt over the lack of control

i am hurting someone by not controlling self-

briefly.

but this is

now

drawn out

a

oh i stay away

i have problems

i am emotionally unwell

i wasn't lying that day

i thought i was fine

but it seeped to you

i was okay 

alone

after

i am grateful you talked through things with me

talked

asked me to talk

exchanging

figuring out

but weird maturesadist thoughts

maybe i should walk away

i can make it alone

this night isn't that hard

if this is pounding on him

not worth the talk through

i can handle this one

this one is conquerable

is that considerate?

am i growing up?

or is that a form of selfhate?

are those thoughts of independence bad or good?

the

last few days

h

e

a

v

y

if i share

i add heavy to you

if i call, ask help

i add heavy to you

i tilt head

consider

growing up

independence

fending for self

consider

maybe it shouldn't even be linked

bad occurrences and reaching to you

that that pattern

never should've been sewn

calls to you for love, not distress

consider

i can handle it

and that is not sad

consider

progress, hurdles and striving

how to get from A to B to C

i am myself again and okay and proud of it 

distress gone? tamed.

half an hour later, mind clean, room clean

i call to ask how day

i am singing

i am good spirits

straight to message

i know i am okay

because i do not feel an ache